Tracking Me – March 13, 2017

GUH! It’s definitely a Monday morning. Who authorized this shit? I think we need at least three more days in a holiday. There are more than enough of us to all work and make things happen. The only issue is that those that don’t want to work ever are still out there and have no idea how to actually put in a hard days worth of work so that we can ALL play more. Oh well…. Really I’m just bitching from having to wake up at all this morning. None the less before I was good and ready too. Also my morning coffee which is usually sweet and creamy is somehow this morning obnoxiously acidic. I don’t know how mom and dad drink this stuff through a coffee pot.

Ok. I think I have enough time to go grab bacon if there is any. Or better coffee…. or something.
Coffee with chocolate in it isn’t quite so bad… Little on the sugary side, will have to do some burpees or rowing later to run that out of the system >.>

Gonna try to stay a full 8 at work today, see if I can do it. That’s out of here by 1530 and I normally leave at 1330. So let’s see. I’ve already been here roughly two hours and I get my first break here in about 5 minutes. Then I’ll tell myself I’m “starting” my day and see if we can’t trick ourselves into having a 6 hour day that starts then. It does put us back in the rest of our schedule but that should be ok. I’m just doing my best to try to be as awesome as I can from here on out. Save as many FMLA hours as I can. We’ll see how well it goes. I also didn’t bring my phone charger… bugger. Man today is starting to feel a little rough around the edges and I disapprove highly. Amazing how quick it can change.

I’m not the only one suffering through today as it’s not only a Monday but the Monday after a time change as well. Ugh! At least I currently haven’t been working on Sunday’s. That has been nice having the past few weekends off here. Overall I think my whole brain and processes have been starting to get better and better over the longer course of time. Though I think a lot more of that has to deal more with the self work, though the meds are also starting to aid. I still can’t believe how long it takes everything to level out and play together though.

Having a really hard time concentrating now so I think I’m just about going to wrap this up. Actually I should leave it open in case we are and likely are and yes I Have confirmation that we’re simply not wanting to write right in this minute. BUt that’s the nice thing about minutes is they continue to progress and if I wanted to I could sit for a while and just relax into the moments and let them pass slowly writing more and more and more until finally I can lull the others into a sense of comfort and sliiiiip past and forward and Hello and Good Afternoon all my Asher fans 😉

Well that was short lived… >.> I take over, Riven takes over aaaaaaand there goes my writing streak. Now we’re stuck secondary again though still writing. Yawning lots trying to come forward. I wish there was a way to describe the pressure of trying to walk into your own body from the back of your mind. Yes, it feels just as crazy as that sounds for one. Still super distracted. Contemplated doing another document or practice, but I don’t think I can get another one done in 15 minutes. Seriously I can’t even write a paragraph without my mind getting off topic. Getting to the end of a sentence just because I can type almost as fast as I can think and sometimes I can type just as fast which is nice. That’s how novels get written 😉 But I have to be in a really quiet and undisturbed setting for that to be able to take lace. I wonder which axiom gym I should go to today >.>

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral,
–Current Real Mood: Mood is completely tanked. I feel as grey as the clouds that are looming dark over the mountains.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss. Absolutely 0 motivation to do anything.  Like… none… Fuck this blog, other than I need to actually record on my bad days too. Bull shit.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – ZONKED
Spitfyre – SHINY! O.o
Carbon – Let’s pick a direction today and drive.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today, I bet we could make it to the ocean by just about sunrise tomorrow morning…. >.>
Riven – GODDAMNEDMESS!!! *looks around brain….*
Sylvia – This Armor is far too worn down for this.
Lyra – GONE atm. May as well not exist right now.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^

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Tracking Me – March 8, 2017

DarknessThis image completely describes how I feel today. Surrounded by darkness both inside and out and like no matter how hard I try to look around and see where the danger is coming from I can’t see that it’s only coming from inside of myself. There’s a tightness in the chest and throat that are choking yet somehow you manage to panic breath around it. You’re alive… but only just.

I’m really trying to hang on at work right now. I have a check in meeting at 0930-1000 which is going to be agonizing. I have a team meeting from 10-11 and then training from 11-1130… I don’t want to do any of it. I want to just go home…

I know I say this literally every time I write but I feel like it might actually start having an affect one day. I gotta write every day. Yesterday would have been a really hard day to write on and today isn’t being much better. Generally if I start going down in the afternoon of a day the next day is shit. I’m really glad I just stayed in and didn’t go on any adventures yesterday. Today I have to work at REI in the evening and it seems like it’s impossibly far away and in four minutes from now all at once. I really hate time. There never seems to be enough of it and it really has a habit of wigging me out.

I’m really thinking about just calling it and leaving in like…. 10 minutes. Stayed here an hour today? But we have a team meeting today so that will take up some time and I have some training stuff I can be focused on so that will take up some time. I brought in my sketch book so I do have that sitting next to me and my coffee. So those are all good things. I’m wearing red from the top of my head to my waist for international womens day. Im standing up for what I believe in through dress, art, and attitude every day. Living ones own truths can sometimes be just completely freaking devastatingly exhausting. I woke up with two out of ten energy rabbits today. Rallied. Got dressed…. barely got out the door… Drove to work and got here and now I just want to sit here and cry and its bull shit and I hate it. Gr.

How is it still only fucking 0852. Time is going too slow today. Right now anyway. Seriously I have to last another half hour then I don’t have to be chained to my desk this AM. That will be good. This shouldn’t have to be this hard to just stay at a work place. I’m starting to switch faster as everyone inside of me tries to start breaking forward so they can “help” us leave.

I unfortunately can’t even hold on long enough to want to finish whole sentences. There’s my boss… ok. Time to go grab food, that should help with some time.

THINGS TO DO: IN 2017
can’t look at that list right now it’s too overwhelming cause I feel like it all has to be done by 330 this afternoon… >.<

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral,
–Current Real Mood: Mood is completely tanked. I feel as grey as the clouds that are looming dark over the mountains.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss. Absolutely 0 motivation to do anything.  Like… none… Fuck this blog, other than I need to actually record on my bad days too. Bull shit.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – pain…
Spitfyre – pain… I don’t want to be around so many people today…
Carbon – Let’s pick a direction today and drive.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today. I really don’t know how much longer I’m gonna last even writing this blog today.
Riven – At the helm trying to pull strings today since everything is out of sync. It’s harder to do any sort of work this way.
Sylvia – This Armor is far too worn down for this.
Lyra – GONE atm. May as well not exist right now.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^

Tracking Me – March 6, 2017

((if Asher were to give a speech running for a public office… like presidency or something.))

My name is Asher Dale Armitstead,

I represent a generation that has fought to give me the rights that I now hold.
A generation just coming into their own. A generation that will bring the future.  Their words starting to grow stronger and more intense day by day. We are a generation not yet jaded by time, nor twisted by corruption. I represent the pure speakers. Those who aren’t afraid to share their true thoughts with the world. I represent the reddit diggers, who search through countless articles to find the one vein of truth that exists within them all. I represent the mental health community and those of us who’s struggles to just smile is daily. I represent those that have fluidity in gender and those who love openly and largely.  The fully realized human in me, honors the fully realized human that each and every one of you are, and the freedoms we all cherish.

I come to you after many years of listening to politics and feeling helpless. Feeling like even though I’d voted and drew pictures sharing my allegiance and my dedication to this nation, that it wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t. In college I used to talk about being tired of sitting, but was too afraid to truly stand up. I realized within that the paradox that comes with needing to be a person willing to stand. The sense of clarity in self that has to be there before we can truly start to stand up for what we believe in. The strength it takes.

I come to you to stand as a united front against the opposing forces in this nation. No longer can we afford to be divided by the concepts of belief, of race, of gender. All things that are completely personal and varied highly from one individual to the next. I come to you with open arms and mind. No matter what your beliefs, so long as it holds the message of doing NO harm to others, it is welcome. You are welcome. ALL, are welcome in this place.

In a world where our home is threatened by the destructive nature of humans we need to turn inward and do everything we can to minimize the footprint we’re leaving. As well as adapt our lifestyles towards a more earth positive style of living. Protecting our parks and public lands and providing the education to preserve them for a better tomorrow.

If you elect me I will make it so that more of your money goes directly into the education system to start that change with our next generation. If you choose to have me represent you, I will make it so that our lands are protected for another 100 years. If you’ll allow me to represent you, I will make sure your medical rights are forged so that we transition away from the thousands upon thousands of middle men and women and make it so that there is a more direct path to care. Together, we can stand together and create jobs that will refurbish the infrastructure. Building a tomorrow that has the most cutting edge technology that can tie all of the aforementioned goals together.

These types of changes take time. Sometimes much more than one would expect. I would humbly ask your patience, and be completely transparent on each and every step and report as often as humanly possible on what is being done to obtain all of these goals and others that we find along the way. After all. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Why should our nation be? Will there be growing pains? Yes. Will there be some times where things look completely bleak? Yes. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Meaning it can only get brighter from here.

So I ask you now, stand with me, stand up and get involved. Vote, become more educated every day, and hold yourself and one another accountable as guardians to this nation and the tomorrow we can create. Together. Thank you.

*****

Well I guess that states my humble political views and what I would try to work on if I was ever in office. ((obviously things in that list of what I’d be pro or against would change over time and depending on what current events were going on…))  Sometimes you just gotta write a tangent and pretend that you’re something greater than you are.

******

THINGS TO DO: IN 2017
COMPLETED -grab all clean enough sketches for website
COMPLETED -grab all Graphic Design Work for website
-grab all completed pieces from the last two years for website
-Add more to portfolio cue to complete
-Dig out ALL sketch books
-Start taking pictures and cataloging ALL of them.
-compile art into folders on the computer
-load book information onto a sketchbook sales page
-See which images are good enough to offer as prints
-load prints onto a print sales page
-compile remaining images into art books in InDesign
-create as a PDF downloadable  for Amazon
-finish designs for WODBeast
-create WODBeast as a brand under Saberlins Lustrous Art
–reach out to local boxes and gym’s to see if they will sponsor a design ((and get their logo placed on the back of the shirt))
-launch KS for WODBeast to collect pre-orders
-take pre order batch to ScreenPrinter
-deliver WODBeast by hand and to US companies/places only.
-that should get me to about November >.>

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, Good
–Current Real Mood: Brigher, semi-focused. Riven and Asher presiding. Lyra out of control underneath the surface. *IT’S LIKE THE FACE INSIDE IS RIGHT, BENEATH MY SKIIIIIIN* — thanks Linkin Park. Seriously I’ll say it again. Go listen to that Album with us in mind.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – odd mood, undefined
Spitfyre – grumpy and hungry
Carbon – I have one thing on my mind right now. Pretty girls. Go away.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today. Sometimes a dudes distracted ok?
Riven – At the helm trying to pull strings today since everything is out of sync. It’s harder to do any sort of work this way.
Sylvia – Trying to be a sturdy shell. So far doing “OK”
Lyra – Awake and wanting to cause lots of trouble.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) accidentally double dosed myself this morning… Thought there were just nuts in my pocket. Turns out one of those nuts was a pill. OOPS. Been a little like “oh look! Left is up!” Today.., Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^

Tracking Me – March 03, 2017

Well let’s see how are we all doing this morning. I think the expressions on everyone’s faces in their little paper doll I made them is quite accurate. That’s sort of fun to see. I drew most all of them with a smile or a grin. It’s good to know, at least I think, that I might be happy right now. Why do I only think it? Happy is a new feeling and is something that, while emulated, we didn’t feel in large bursts as a child. I would assimilate the feeling, enact it over the top of whatever I was actually feeling. Then there would be these small, tiny moments, normally standing in the sunshine, when my heart would race for just a quick moment and I’d inhale as though the world and air were new for the very first time ever in my whole life all at once! At the top of that breath I would feel…. elation, joy in the purest kind….

That’s not to say that I think people should be that purely happy all the time, but a less dramatic more content and everything is ok in the world sort of feeling would be a nice one to have on the occasions. As of late, since I returned to work, I have gone back to feeling very harried, and often times numbed to whats actually around me. While I’m at work I’m absolutely just a half a shade disassociated at all times. Pulled away and in just slightly so that I don’t get hurt. The less you care right? ha. wow that’s a jaded thought.

Sometimes the truth hurts I guess. *shrugs* Though that’s not to say I’m feeling hurt in the moment. More thoughtful I guess. It’s interesting when one can slip into an emotion or thought pattern and personality like a jacket. I wish it were that easy or that simple to do as it’s actually much more complex. The brain feels to shut down for the very briefest of moments and all of a sudden everything flutters back online. Or other times it’s just like switching to a new tab on an internet browser and it’s all taken care of at once. All the other tabs are still there and running and sometimes it can be confusing because you forget which browser tab you’re on… I digress.

I was talking about how I was feeling today. I think that’s been addressed now.

“… so you think….” — Lyra

((Riven)) – edited – Lyra’s rather wishing we had a boyfriend. Can’t say that we aren’t all wishing that *cept carbon he’s not into boys he keeps reminding me. He’d like a girlfriend… so would Asher and I realistically.* Anyway…. *shoo’s Lyra off*

Has it been mentioned that we are sorely distracted today? Got back from break and it’s been super bad. No one wants to work today. I (Riven) am trying to hold the boat together, get everyone pointed in the same direction and trying to work on loans all at once. I likely should have taken an FMLA day today except we’re trying really really hard to only use the hours not the days.

We of course didn’t get any sort of bonus since we were hired on in November and my mental health TANKED the exact same time… So being here as many hours as possible is important. Gotta keep bringing in them dollars. We have goals we’re trying to meet. Big ones. I have a feeling, if we are very lucky, that by the end of March here we will be in a good place. March is a time of changing and setting the course for the year. Last year and my Kickstarter proved that.

THINGS TO DO: IN 2017
-grab all clean enough sketches for website
-grab all completed pieces from the last two years for website
-Add more to portfolio cue to complete
-Dig out ALL sketch books
-Start taking pictures and cataloging ALL of them.
-compile art into folders on the computer
-load book information onto a sketchbook sales page
-See which images are good enough to offer as prints
-load prints onto a print sales page
-compile remaining images into art books in InDesign
-create as a PDF downloadable  for Amazon
-finish designs for WODBeast
-create WODBeast as a brand under Saberlins Lustrous Art
–reach out to local boxes and gym’s to see if they will sponsor a design ((and get their logo placed on the back of the shirt))
-launch KS for WODBeast to collect pre-orders
-take pre order batch to ScreenPrinter
-deliver WODBeast by hand and to US companies/places only.
-that should get me to about November >.>

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, Good
–Current Real Mood: Brigher, semi-focused. Riven and Asher presiding.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Not all on board with one another today. We think we are but it’s out of sync. Not sure how to resolve.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – anxious
Spitfyre – grumpy and hungry
Carbon – I’m pretty much a born bad ass.. These loans are still boring the second day around.
Asher – Meh, my hair looks like fire today, make up is fantabulous, and we’re dressed in all the right ways. We’re good. (this statement continues to be true.)
Riven – At the helm trying to pull strings today since everything is out of sync. It’s harder to do any sort of work this way.
Sylvia – Trying to be a sturdy shell.
Lyra – Awake and wanting to cause lots of trouble.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abrieva (2.5mg) just a bit ago. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm mint ^.^

Tracking Me – March 2, 2017

Ok hey everyone back on the band wagon for a while at least eh? We’re gonna attempt to be typing more regularly which means I *Asher* might be doing more than a bit of talking. I don’t get to do it often, unless someone wants to have an open minded philosophical discussion on the universe and the alternative sciences and parallel universes that go along with it… Then I can’t shut up. But that’s something you’ve all likely noticed in starting to read and track this blog and all of us here.

Yesterday Sylvia made paper dolls for all of us. No… day before, pardon me. They’re really neat and we can all hang out outside of the mind. Look over and see our little “super hero squad.” We don’t have a body and yet we do, but there’s so much disphoria that can go with that. Like earlier today Carbon and I were having a really hard time being in a flannel and some of the other clothing we like, but looking down and seeing that Lyra and Riven put on an “enhancing” Bra rather than letting us be more flat chested today. We…. don’t have tits. Which means looking down and seeing them there is very disconcerting and feels outwardly wrong at times. Carbon and I have started to look into some other things he and I can maybe do so start blending that line a bit more. Make up is fine… gotta be pretty in this body, and I think that it just makes it easier on all of us if we keep the face more feminine than not. But clothing, and maybe sometime in the future… anyway… One step and day at a time.

I only have 40 minutes left at work and trying to figure out if I can do another document in that time. I think I can if I can stay focused long enough to accomplish it. It’s just practice so it’s ok if it doesn’t get “sent off” as it were. So far…. distraction capabilities at full power… >.< Sonofabitch. Just lost 15 minutes. wtf come on.

I’ve filled in two fields in 17 minutes.

Ok… almost got this bloody thing sort of close to getting done. 17 minutes. Come on… So close…

SIDE NOTE: Listen to LinkinPark with Disassociative Identity Disorder in mind… it’ll blow your mind. No wonder this shit got me through so much…

((TIME 1241))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, Good
–Current Real Mood: Brigher, semi-focused. Carbon Asher Presiding.
–Worst Area: Boredom, Unfulfilled slow dragging time.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Carbon and Asher are being fairly greedy today. They want the whole day. Carbon’s struggling with doc’s but we’re trying to bring him on board. Training doc’s are thusly going slower today. No other jobs to do though.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – waiting to do art and sit in the sun maybe
Spitfyre – LIFTING! ENERGY, little jittery Oo…. *tail puff twitch*
Carbon – I’m pretty much a born bad ass.. These loans got noth…. ok nvrmnd this shit hard yo.
Asher – Meh, my hair looks like fire today, make up is fantabulous, and we’re dressed in all the right ways. We’re good.
Riven – Sitting in the background like hey wtf I wanna do my job.…
Sylvia – More concentrating on blending to whoever is forward. The loss of me is the integral PULL into everyone else. They, then, all become more ME. Reverse integration I think I’ll call it.
Lyra – Awake and wanting to cause some trouble.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abrieva (2.5mg) just a bit ago. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm mint ^.^

Tracking Me – March 1, 2017

Well shit I had sort of planned to actually, you know, post more than I have been on here. Like everyday. >.> Oooopps. I will start getting better I have a feeling as time goes on. It was also brought to my attention by two separate individuals yesterday that they have been following and reading my blog, which was…. a HUGE compliment paid. They are taking time out of their days, to see how mine are going. They are taking time to know me, and really truly get to KNOW all of us. There’s not much more you can ask from a friend than to have them truly KNOW you.

can’t think. Brain…. concentration spurt gone. This is what I’m talking about. I hate it when this shit swings. One moment I’ll be completely fine and Riven is BUSTING through documents, then the next thing I know I’m coloring *which I personally don’t have issue with because unlike most of the “children” in this building I’m more than adept at coloring inside the lines and not making a huge ass mess*
UGH, additionally spending over a half hour on a program to log ones time because the program is unintuitive, leaves me with work that I’m not doing today because I’m dealing with a SHIT program. This is why I can’t stand this job! Nothing is logically put together for all the logic you would think a bank needs in order to run.

BLERRRRRRRRRG. Bored. – Carbon – Bored, wanna lift, bored, bored, bored, SLEEEEEEP or DO. There is no sitting… >.> Fidget fidget fidget….

Riven – Carbon we have like…. three steps to get this loan done…..

Carbon – FIDGET FIDGET FIDGET DRAW STARE BLANKLY AT WALL DRINK COFFEE

Riven – DAMN IT CARBON!!

Carbon – Pouts….. >.> grumbles….. continues to be difficult. BOOOORED.

sherlock-bored

((TIME 0900))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, dower
–Current Real Mood: Neutral , hyper-focused. Riven Asher Presiding.
–Worst Area: Distraction… boys please keep Lyra occupied so I can concentrate on work.
–Loss of Time: Concentrating on keeping with Sylvia, and we’re busting through Loans. Taking a brief break so we don’t overheat the brain. Literally that’s a thing, I can hyper focus so much that after a while I feel I have to physically cool down. Yes, brains are powerful and amazing…(Riven)
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – sleeping
Spitfyre – grumbly, doesn’t want to be at “evil” work place
Carbon – Hackles up. Grouchy Day, tail in a puff
Asher – Meh, my hair looks like fire today and we have our braid, and we’re wearing a sweater… we like it.
Riven – workworkworkworkworkworkworkDevinTownsendProjectMusicworkworkwork…
Sylvia – More concentrating on blending to whoever is forward. The loss of me is the integral PULL into everyone else. They, then, all become more ME. Reverse integration I think I’ll call it.
Lyra – Awake and wanting to not be at work.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abrieva (2.5mg) just a bit ago. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm mint ^.^

Tracking Me – Feb. 23, 2017

Seriously I sometimes don’t even know why I bother. I hate going along and doing all I can to work on myself every day and then do the same with my jobs, even the one that I can’t stand to be at because it feels like everyone around this fucking dump is just constantly telling you what you did wrong, reminding you again, focusing on the wrong and I really don’t like those sorts of places. I’d love a little star to pop up in the corner of my screen every time a doc’s been reviewed and gets 100%. I’m that type of a person. I have so much negativity in my head that I am constantly trying to focus on the good that may happen to be around me. Unfortunately when I have review after review coming down the pipeline saying how under average I am for a job…. GUH. Yes please, beat the dog that’s already down.

Not to mention the subtle tone of “you’re gonna be better now right? you’re going to do better…. insert unspoken ‘or else’ here. Have a good day!” <– oh yah… thanks. Really.. NOT. It’s the entire worlds ability to focus on the bad and the evil in this world that’s put it in this sort of place that it’s in now. But you know, that’s neither here nor there at the moment. Not that I’m not thankful for the time they’ve given me off in order to try to get my wreck of a brain straightened out. Not that I think the drugs are actually working at the moment *look at all the negatives in that fucking paragraph. GUH!*

Bright sunshine, puppies, snuggles with puppies, snuggleswithhandsomemen >.> Well that escalated quickly.

I feel slightly better now. Seriously though, can this world and everyone in it please please please try to at least fake concentrating on positive things and how positivity could change the world instead of the negative. That’d be nice plx.

I started writng for a pen with a while, let’s get back to the texty text version of things shall we? Ok, now then.

Yesterday I had a pretty good come apart and I know it can be sort of black hole-ish to have to deal with someone who has severe depression and anxiety. When it bubbles up hard, especially with the help of the bi-polar and all the rest of it, it creates the perfect storm and I’m often taken far down the whirlpool. It’s a negative that gets further compounded by negatives. I asked for help and sort of ended up feeling like I was creating more of an issue. It’s hard when you need to focus only on the positive and there’s a general air of negativity. Partially cause my face wouldn’t stop leaking and there was nothing in the world that was going to make me smile in that moment. Except maybe a good tight hug from a partner. Which, I’m currently lacking in that department.

I have a one on one review of my “work so far” and I’m not looking at going over any of this and I know that they are going to want to go into each and every detail and it is going to leave me at a place I don’t want to be. 14 minutes. That’s enough time to go take a walk. Maybe that will help…

….

Totally didn’t help enough. We’ll see how long I can stay here today. I have another break coming up and I’m getting pretty good at trying to get through these mini events in the day. Everything broken down into two hour spurts. Two hours, break, two hours, break, two hours, HOME.

Two hours… then HOME.