It has been far far far far far ((long ago in a galaxy far away)) too long since I’ve written anything down or done any sort of journaling(shut up its totally a real word) whatsoever. The last portion of 2017 was an intensely amazing adventure filled with new Love, work trials, the struggles of mental health, random illness’, the rough search on the job market (which is still continuing) and through it all, a slow and steady regain of my confidence.
July 14th I took my best friend Chris up to Burgdorf hot springs just north of McCall Idaho, and came back with a boyfriend. Ever since we have been running all over the state, and PNW enjoying camping trips, hot springs vacations, long drives through mountain passes, and the unfaltering growth, and enjoyment of one another’s company. I have NEVER been with such a SWEET, Compassionate, Intelligent, Adventurous, SUPPORTIVE partner. Chris helped dig me out of a dark place I was in from last winter, and over our adventures and through our MANY talks, and hours of conversation has started to show me so many things about myself that I’d simply forgotten. Like how to love myself, how to continue to have passion for my art, how to go after jobs relentlessly and continually because I DO Deserve to have a good job that fulfills me. Through it all he stands by my side, and I fully intend with every portion of my being, to keep him by my side for the rest of my life.
This holiday season I had the pleasure of starting to know his large extended family, and I have NEVER felt so welcomed in by a group of family members before in my entire life. These people have some of the biggest hearts and you can see the support they give one another and the actual enjoyment that they share together. I’ve met a lot of families over the years, and this one… this one has something ❤ special ❤ and I hope it only continues to grow over the years for them, and never leaves them.
Speaking of! Two of my Lovely Aunt’s were able to visit for this holiday season and it was WONDERFUL being able to spend time with them again.
I joined a local group called Bold Betties this year and have gone on some amazingly awesome adventures and am set to check out even more of them ((as soon as I get a little more financially stable.)). This group is SO GOOD at being open to women of all ages, ethnicity and backgrounds and making sure that they are introduced to all sorts of activities. From hiking to backpacking, torch work for metal and glass, horse back riding, sand surfing and so so much more.
My mental health, as always has been a constant companion and a test of my inner endurance and strength. Though I am VERY pleased to announce that as of the top of this year: I am completely medication free. I’m not sure how it is going to go, or if I’m just going through a nicely timed “manic” phase where I feel sufficiently on top of the world, or if my body was really just being that messed up by the meds.
Roughly around October, I went off of the medicine “Abilify,” as it seemed to do anything but “abilify” me to continue. It more or less turned me into an over caffeinated (feeling), easily agitated rage cat. Which is pretty much the opposite of what it’s supposed to do.
In November I started randomly bleeding every time I used the restroom….. which resulted in doctors visits, blood work, and a CT scan. None of which proved any sort of results. On one had I did find out that all my internal organs seem to look perfectly healthy and that my blood work was shiny and clean. HURRAY! What it didn’t give me an answer to was why I was still bleeding and having other sort of….issues… Like severe mental cloudiness, and less of a will to get out of bed, severe bouts of anxiety still, all the things that the meds were supposed to be helping with. So as of four days ago, I quit taking it….. and the bleeding stopped, and my gut feels like it’s healing, and my life is starting to feel like it has more “sunshine” spots in it.
I know mental health meds are still largely “in trial” even though they say they aren’t. This is still a very “newly” addressed issue in trying to chemically fix the brain. Though it certainly beats the fixes of old.. (see electroshock therapy etc.) It’s infinitely frustrating though, trying to find something to aid me when my world does go dark around the edges and the dark voices start to try to tell me that life just isn’t worth it. It’s also hard living in a state where, the one thing I DO know that helps (see: the great Mary Jane) is stupidly illegal with no legalization in sight. So I don’t currently have access to any sort of crutch or assistance other than my own gumption, and the HUGE support of my boyfriend, family, and friends that I know are reading this post. (You all know who you are and I am eternally grateful for you.) Geographical change in my future? Yah it could happen…
The 7 of us that are residing in this body have also been able to slowly start to work to come together ((not as in becoming one mind, we refuse.)) and start to work together and communicate with one another. It’s been wonderful meeting all of the many “me’s” as well as being able to learn things about “myself” in that capacity, that I never knew.
The 7 of us were also all able to fall in love with one AMAZING man ((whos family and adventures I’ve mentioned above)) and it has been world changing for me and I couldn’t be happier. My Partner knows about all of us, AND calls us by name as he recognizes us throughout the day. This type of forward recognition has made us all feel more alive, and exceedingly more valid. We DO exist and it’s been wonderful having that acknowledgement. It does wonders for a persons confidence when they are known, recognized and acknowledged…. AND LOVED!!!
I know I always say this, and each time it’s true, but I am going to make an effort to take time for myself and continue to journal and keep in touch with you all that have been following my journey across the internet and world. Thank you all for your support, for your likes, for your comments, and for helping me shed light on what it’s ACTUALLY like to live with these mental issues, and take the “Hollywood Stigma’s” out of them.