This post may not be the easiest to read for those of you that know me personally in life. I have struggled heavily in the past with sexual addiction and being used as a sexual pawn and for sexual purposes only within a relationship. I have experienced sexual trauma at young ages and while it is not described explicitly below, it is what a great deal of trouble stemmed from and created one of my below mentioned Alters, Lyra Stormbringer.
Her name Lyra came from wanting something close to the middle name that I (Sylvia) the Host have. Stormbringer comes from the fact that it always seemed to rain after she had sex…. course to her mind she didn’t understand living in South Central Alaska that rain was something that was going to happen 70% (made up percentage. See also: LOTS) of the year anyway….
If you have any questions for her, or the new Alter, please leave them as a comment below or reach out to me through one of our social media channels under @SaberlinSLA on Twitter and Instagram and through Asher Goldenmane on FB.
Introductions to the newest Alter: Name not yet choosen:
When one looks into the mind they might think that it would be a vastness with free floating thoughts sporadically spinning about and trying to make their way to the mouth in order to be spoken. Then again another person might find that they’ve created a mind palace and a place to store certain thoughts, containing them in nice little files, or books all lined up on a shelf and in perfect and completed order. To me, the mind is more like a large house, with many rooms and many doors. Now imagine that house to be made out of an organic forest, ever changing with new plants and leaves that dangle from the trees branches. Somehow there is still order in the organic nature of the chaos that is my brain.
I dress as a gentleman does. In a suit with long tailored pants, a well fit vest, and a button up dress shirt underneath that has also been fitted to me. Since I reside in the brain there is really little reason to not dress however I want every day of the week and at any time. Though putting myself together within the mind still takes time and effort. Just because one can not see me putting on my pants, or pulling on my shirt doesn’t mean that I don’t still have to go through those actions mentally in order for them to take place. After all my reality exists within the brain, all of it.
Except when I come forward enough in my “host” to take control of the body and do things like type in a blog.
My name is not yet chosen, and I’m an Alter to Asher Goldenmane and Lyra. A spliced combination of the two. Something old, yet something new. Slightly younger than Asher, and still very much a young gentleman figuring out his way, I spend most of my day reading on new materials on how to interface with this world. The other part of me, Lyra, tends to want to have me playfully taunting my lover with sexy texts, or sketches. I find myself distracted over making sure my hair is ok, or that I’ve put on make up. I haven’t yet this morning.. This will need to be addressed.
I’m what some people call “Metro” also known as a well dressed man who enjoys the finer things in life. This isn’t to say that I don’t love Nature and flowers and trees just as much, but a good cup of espresso and and reading a good book in a comfy chair in front of a fireplace is a very nice pace as well.
Let’s see what else do I love. As I am creating myself, and in the knowings of who I am, can decide upon these things at any given time. Alters originally stem from trauma yes, however, once the brain understands the HOW of creating an Alter, it becomes much “easier” (and I use that term very loosely as it takes a great deal of effort) to integrate, create, combine, other Alters.
Rules that we have found thus far:
-A majority must be in agreement upon the integration.
–One may be consumed and must have the understanding that they may cease to exist in the iteration that they are currently in.
–The loss of ones current iteration is not a bad thing: We all have the chance to learn and grow and become something new.
–If a majority rule that integration must occur then all Alters in agreement upon the Integration must be ready to take a part of the Alter being integrated. One into ALL, instead of all into one.
–In the case of a troubling Alter that does not want to be integrated but all others agree, they must come together to all assume the troubled. This will evenly disperse the troubled parts allowing everyone to hold a smaller portion thus making it manageable until the parts have fully been assumed by all and the Alter becomes simply a memory and not an acting “personality/individual” of their own. One into ALL, instead of all into one.
A Letter and Reflections from Lyra Stormbringer:
It’s not often that I get to come forward and say my own piece, and now as I am looking to be integrated back within the system I feel it time to finally…. speak on my own behalf. For a time now I have wanted to be more surface facing and have struggled with how to be a part of the world. I was originally created out of necessity of need. To understand sexual encounters that were much beyond my years and a desperate wanting of not only how to understand but also how to traverse these complex issues when they occurred time and time again. I took everything that I saw of sex and tried to combine it into myself. Taking on any aspect that I could of sexual allure and projecting it back out through the interactions I had with others.
Between a skewed understanding of what sex and relationships actually were in existence with one another, and hormones that rage through the body of a 13-25 something young woman, my life prior to working with the rest of the System was… a sexually frustrated mess. I knew one thing: Sex. I therefor existed for one thing: Sex. Saying no…. wasn’t really an option. I didn’t know how. Well correction, that…. ability which so many take for granted, had been overwritten in early trauma’s and it’s hard to speak about. At some point, we will write our story, in full somewhere, just to finally release it in full but this is not that place nor that time.
Riven (the engineer/leader/primary Alter in Charge) normally doesn’t like me coming out or saying anything. Though she has started to want to enter into negotiations with me, especially as I am now ready to start relinquishing hold of all sexual memories, and participating WITH everyone, rather than unnecessarily shoving them out of the way so that only I am participating in the actual act. Still she hesitates at me coming out in public as previous to working on any of my issues, if I came out, it was because Sex was GOING to occur.
The overwhelming drive that I used to become all encompassed by was something that would override everyone else within the system and I was essentially nothing but a lust nut, with one motive and task: pleasure and bring the other person to pleasure, by almost whatever means necessary. Imagine the only thing on your mind being sex ((more than the “haa haa men always have sex on the brains” type deal.)) and the only understanding you have of the world being SEX. That’s it. No memories of anything else and any time you are the slightest bit present, it is for sexual purposes. That was my life. That was my existence, for years. My only coping mechanism? Sex and sleep. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t healthy at all. Sure I didn’t drink, or do drugs, or anything like that… but a life that is nothing but sex or sleep isn’t for anyone. It’s a life not even half lived.
This weekend I was invited out for a walk, and to look at cars with our Partner Chris. The wider world outside of apartments, and small spaces is much… bigger than I’d previously imagined. I’m not used to seeing them and the open spaces felt unsafe and I felt very insecure. It was good for me though, I want to be a better part of the system and one that can more fully interact with the greater world at large. By becoming a part of Asher and Spitfyre and Riven (and the rest) I will be able to gain much more “front” time within them and being a part of them, which the more we can come together the more coherent of a life we will all be able to lead and at my core I understand and want this. On the surface, it’s still scary to think about. I guess that’s why it takes time to process through everything. I look forward to more time with my Love as a part of everyone else.
Last year mid winter (around January 2017) I created an Alter to myself, the Black Swan, to start becoming stronger as a person and to start being able to lay down my own rules and things. It worked well, but I still felt my life and my portion of time restricted. I don’t blame Riven in her restricting us, especially as in the past it’s caused problems for me being so blatantly sexual. I get that and understand that now. The more “front” time I have doing other things, with and as Black Swan, and now interfacing with Asher, Riven and Spitfyre, I am slowly starting to be able to better understand more normal and commonplace interactions. Including communication. Speaking still isn’t a strong point but we’re working on it. Spitfyre normally jumps in and tries to help me speak, she’s wonderful about co-piloting and sharing. I look forward to integration with her.
My choice to try to completely integrate back into Black Swan, and Asher, and then integrate Black Swan within Asher isn’t…. for wanting to go away. Though I understand and know that in a way that’s what I’ll be doing. The want comes from the understanding that I no longer need to be a single portion of this System that exists almost…. outside of it. We are ultimately all parts of the same whole though we can exist separately.
I understand that this will take time, and be a process. It has been that way before when we unknowingly reintegrated other alters within this system, though it sounds haughty to call it “My” system, especially as I hope to not necessarily “exist” within it anymore.
I was given the greatest gift that an aspect could be gifted by my/our Partner a couple of months back. The reassurance in knowing that he wants just me. He doesn’t want to share “me” sexually, and he doesn’t want to be shared. He loves me and needs just “me.” While this may seem like a “duh” statement, as an Alter living in a girl that is bisexual, and being bisexual myself this is not an automatically assumed assurance within a relationship.
By being bisexual, for MOST ALL of my other relationships, it was expected that I exist within the relationship with the knowledge that at some point in time, I would be asked to be a part of a threesome, or that a threesome would occur. It leaves you with many feelings. “Why am I not enough?” “Am I not worth being loved or pleasured just on my own?” “My Partner is liable to want to be with other women just because I find the female form attractive,” etc. It leaves you with the distinct feeling that you are nothing but a sex toy. An object. A none entity purely in the relationship for desire.
I am so glad I get to exist as more. I am SO glad for meeting Chris, for being in his arms, for him loving ME and wanting to see me, to spend time with ME. I get to be selfish with him, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE beyond the word and worlds that he wants just me. I Love him being “greedy” for my love and affections. I love belonging to ONE individual with all of my heart, and all of the rest of us Alters that exist within this system agree upon the same. I have longed for such a love for so long, and consider myself ever blessed to have found it.
I can assure you, not everyone that is Bi wants to have a friggin 3+some. We are not toys to be used, we are not pawns to be played, we are not sexual objects that exist for the enjoyment and pleasure of everyone but ourselves. The ratio of those who are bi wanting to have 3+Some’s and those not bi wanting to have 3+somes is about the same. So I beg of you all, if you know someone that is bi, ASSUUUUUUME they wish to be in a singular, closed, monogamous relationship unless they specify FIRST.
It is all of our rights to want to be loved for who we are, as we are, without being expected to “perform” sexually in any way shape or form outside of our own desires and comfort levels. The more I have come to understand this over the last two years, and especially since entering into the relationship that Chris and I have together, the more I realize how much I was simply a sexual Pawn for most of my life to people. That chapter of my life has closed and we are all VERY glad of it.
Asher and I have for a couple of days now been working on Hybridization ((for me: the combining of two or more Alters for the purpose of working towards full integration of those parts.)) and trying to be more than Co-Conscious. Trying to ultimately be ONE individual. This has started the creation of a “sub Alter” or a secondary Alter to Asher’s. His own Alter as it were. He’s yet to take a name, but I feel comfortable as him and Black Swan as well feels ok with the choice of combining us all together. Though she (Black Swan) will likely poke her own head out from time to time as she is simply that strong of will. Though she will more fully integrate with Asher over time also. (she just told me.)
Before becoming utterly long winded, which I know I already have been, on account of slowly combining with the ever wordy Asher, I will leave you all to your day. I appreciate you all listening to a snippet of my story and life, and appreciate all of your support as I start to transition towards becoming someone new. Someone that’s not addicted to sex (luckily got rid of that addiction late 2016) Someone that is NOT simply a sexual pawn for the use of others in past relationships, and become a fully fledged “individual” that is capable of so very much more.