Tracking Me – April 27, 2017

No apologies for not writing in this last super slump. Which is really what the last couple of weeks has been. A re-visitation that yes, all of these issues are very real and when they compound on top of one another there is nothing I can do but hold on for the dearest of lives and try to get through all of it. It’s not easy either let me tell you what. It’s exhausting and everyone wonders why people with anxiety and depression are tired all of the time. It’s fighting a chemical warfare that’s going on on the inside of your head. You can’t see it but missiles are being launched and the grounds are being carpeted repetitively. You can’t ever really catch your breath. You can’t really ever feel relaxed because you know that there is some kind of threat.

Your brain puts stock into all sorts of things it shouldn’t when your mind is in overdrive too. Nothing you can do but try to remember that everything you’re feeling in that moment is actually greatly decreased and not actually there. Or rather, the feelings are there but, maybe only half as strong as how we are perceiving them. And you can’t convince your mind even though you know its completely illogical.

Makes for understanding relationships really hard. What you feel for someone may be colored by whatever your brain is throwing out there at that moment rather than what you are actually feeling or logically understand for the situation. It’s also a blessing and a curse to be able to back out so logically from a situation and go, “Oh… yes I do understand things from that viewpoint…goodness…ouch.”

Like understanding that as much as you want to be in a relationship that where your brain is at and still learning how to adjust is just… not something I want to inflict upon anyone. I understand how draining (and I mean that in a literal way, not a mean way.) it can be to be around someone that is depressed all or a lot of the time. Especially if we get into a “THE WORLD IS ENDING OH GAWD” sort of mood. Or rather, it would take the right person. As much as I’ve wanted to have found them, both parties have to want to deal with one another’s… well issues. Cause we definitely all have them. While I’m always willing to help others with what they go through I also understand not being at a point where they want to reciprocate that. Nor do I hold it against them. Oh Logic… You suck. Can’t I just get a happily ever until we decide otherwise?

I’ve also been looking at the sides of me that are Poly, and why we’ve needed to be Poly for our lives up until this point. When you’re…. fractured, there’s no real saying who is going to like who, nor, if you don’t know you have alters, is there any “let’s decide on one person,” option. It just doesn’t exist and you don’t really have a choice. Polyamory for me, in a lot of ways has been because I have many alters that would like many people all at once. This isn’t really conducive to having a long lasting monogamous relationship. Which, granted I’ve always been in, but because of the way some of us have been in the past ((we’ve been doing a lot of heavy work with one another lately. It’s exhausting but absolutely necessary.)) we haven’t been able to understand necessarily why we’ve had feelings for other people, and Polyamory made complete sense. Well what it’s actually been, has been multiple personalities, all of whom can and want and enjoy monogamy but have been incapable due to the DiD of achieving that truly on a level with anyone…. until more recently.

Once we all knew about one another, we’ve been working towards working together and on some assimilation. I am doubtful nor do I necessarily want to fully assimilate into one human being mind as I’ve found some great assets in being able to call upon a single one of us to perform certain tasks etc. However, I digress.  When you can work on being fully present, and when we don’t have to concentrate on hiding from someone, and can switch at leisure, it means that the person is exposed to all of us. Over time, this has actually helped to, when in the presence of this particular individual, act as one singular mind. There is a complete sense of peace and feelings of being completely safe around this person. When the anxiety and fear are gone, when we no longer have to keep our wolf ears perked, when we no longer have to feel like we need to be ready for anything at any second of everyday then we can  just……. be. When that happens, I am whole. It’s not that I need THIS ONE PERSON, and I know there could likely be others, but this has been the first time I’ve actually experienced this feeling and to say that I have at all is somewhat of a miracle. So I am infinitely grateful, no matter what happens, for the experience in knowing that I CAN feel that way about someone. That I don’t HAVE to be poly to have a relationship, that I can have a monogamous want an desire to share my life with someone.

 

Morning musings… possibly more to come later.

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