This image completely describes how I feel today. Surrounded by darkness both inside and out and like no matter how hard I try to look around and see where the danger is coming from I can’t see that it’s only coming from inside of myself. There’s a tightness in the chest and throat that are choking yet somehow you manage to panic breath around it. You’re alive… but only just.
I’m really trying to hang on at work right now. I have a check in meeting at 0930-1000 which is going to be agonizing. I have a team meeting from 10-11 and then training from 11-1130… I don’t want to do any of it. I want to just go home…
I know I say this literally every time I write but I feel like it might actually start having an affect one day. I gotta write every day. Yesterday would have been a really hard day to write on and today isn’t being much better. Generally if I start going down in the afternoon of a day the next day is shit. I’m really glad I just stayed in and didn’t go on any adventures yesterday. Today I have to work at REI in the evening and it seems like it’s impossibly far away and in four minutes from now all at once. I really hate time. There never seems to be enough of it and it really has a habit of wigging me out.
I’m really thinking about just calling it and leaving in like…. 10 minutes. Stayed here an hour today? But we have a team meeting today so that will take up some time and I have some training stuff I can be focused on so that will take up some time. I brought in my sketch book so I do have that sitting next to me and my coffee. So those are all good things. I’m wearing red from the top of my head to my waist for international womens day. Im standing up for what I believe in through dress, art, and attitude every day. Living ones own truths can sometimes be just completely freaking devastatingly exhausting. I woke up with two out of ten energy rabbits today. Rallied. Got dressed…. barely got out the door… Drove to work and got here and now I just want to sit here and cry and its bull shit and I hate it. Gr.
How is it still only fucking 0852. Time is going too slow today. Right now anyway. Seriously I have to last another half hour then I don’t have to be chained to my desk this AM. That will be good. This shouldn’t have to be this hard to just stay at a work place. I’m starting to switch faster as everyone inside of me tries to start breaking forward so they can “help” us leave.
I unfortunately can’t even hold on long enough to want to finish whole sentences. There’s my boss… ok. Time to go grab food, that should help with some time.
THINGS TO DO: IN 2017
can’t look at that list right now it’s too overwhelming cause I feel like it all has to be done by 330 this afternoon… >.<
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral,
–Current Real Mood: Mood is completely tanked. I feel as grey as the clouds that are looming dark over the mountains.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss. Absolutely 0 motivation to do anything. Like… none… Fuck this blog, other than I need to actually record on my bad days too. Bull shit.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
Syl – pain…
Spitfyre – pain… I don’t want to be around so many people today…
Carbon – Let’s pick a direction today and drive.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today. I really don’t know how much longer I’m gonna last even writing this blog today.
Riven – At the helm trying to pull strings today since everything is out of sync. It’s harder to do any sort of work this way.
Sylvia – This Armor is far too worn down for this.
Lyra – GONE atm. May as well not exist right now.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^