Tracking Me – Feb. 23, 2017

Seriously I sometimes don’t even know why I bother. I hate going along and doing all I can to work on myself every day and then do the same with my jobs, even the one that I can’t stand to be at because it feels like everyone around this fucking dump is just constantly telling you what you did wrong, reminding you again, focusing on the wrong and I really don’t like those sorts of places. I’d love a little star to pop up in the corner of my screen every time a doc’s been reviewed and gets 100%. I’m that type of a person. I have so much negativity in my head that I am constantly trying to focus on the good that may happen to be around me. Unfortunately when I have review after review coming down the pipeline saying how under average I am for a job…. GUH. Yes please, beat the dog that’s already down.

Not to mention the subtle tone of “you’re gonna be better now right? you’re going to do better…. insert unspoken ‘or else’ here. Have a good day!” <– oh yah… thanks. Really.. NOT. It’s the entire worlds ability to focus on the bad and the evil in this world that’s put it in this sort of place that it’s in now. But you know, that’s neither here nor there at the moment. Not that I’m not thankful for the time they’ve given me off in order to try to get my wreck of a brain straightened out. Not that I think the drugs are actually working at the moment *look at all the negatives in that fucking paragraph. GUH!*

Bright sunshine, puppies, snuggles with puppies, snuggleswithhandsomemen >.> Well that escalated quickly.

I feel slightly better now. Seriously though, can this world and everyone in it please please please try to at least fake concentrating on positive things and how positivity could change the world instead of the negative. That’d be nice plx.

I started writng for a pen with a while, let’s get back to the texty text version of things shall we? Ok, now then.

Yesterday I had a pretty good come apart and I know it can be sort of black hole-ish to have to deal with someone who has severe depression and anxiety. When it bubbles up hard, especially with the help of the bi-polar and all the rest of it, it creates the perfect storm and I’m often taken far down the whirlpool. It’s a negative that gets further compounded by negatives. I asked for help and sort of ended up feeling like I was creating more of an issue. It’s hard when you need to focus only on the positive and there’s a general air of negativity. Partially cause my face wouldn’t stop leaking and there was nothing in the world that was going to make me smile in that moment. Except maybe a good tight hug from a partner. Which, I’m currently lacking in that department.

I have a one on one review of my “work so far” and I’m not looking at going over any of this and I know that they are going to want to go into each and every detail and it is going to leave me at a place I don’t want to be. 14 minutes. That’s enough time to go take a walk. Maybe that will help…

….

Totally didn’t help enough. We’ll see how long I can stay here today. I have another break coming up and I’m getting pretty good at trying to get through these mini events in the day. Everything broken down into two hour spurts. Two hours, break, two hours, break, two hours, HOME.

Two hours… then HOME.

 

 

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