ZING! That feeling of Abilafy coursing through your veins at a bazillion miles an hour in the AM and all you can do is try to hang on for the ride. That’s about where I’ve been at today and while I have been able to be highly productive today I feel like I might also just about crawl out of my skin if I focus on it too hard. Then there’s the overall issue of just feeling like I’m stuck in a suit and that my body is moving and doing on its own which is how it feels when I write. This is also largely tangent based already and we aren’t even out of the first paragraph. Delightful day.
I can’t hold a thought for more than a few moments and thankfully with typing I can try to keep track of a few more things so that way it clutters my mind enough to have to calm down and concentrate on what I’m doing. It’s one of the reasons that I enjoy things like Lifting and Archery and Surfing so much. You have to be focused on so many things at once in order to succeed yet at the same time slow your mind down enough that there isn’t anything going on in between your two ears for a few moments. It’s a very interesting space to be in but I find that if I can achieve that level of thought in my mind then the world slows down almost exponentially and you can feel the space between everything that is going on and feel the pause of time. I know it sounds practically Mad but then… I am mad, not quite as a hatter that’s a different type of crazy.
See there I go again rambling on and down into something that really has nothing to do with anything. And people wonder why it’s hard for me to get anything done in on “on time” type of matter. There is the time perception that most everyone else has and exists within. Then there is the space that I exist within. Due to my own perceptions of the universe and understanding just how incredibly complex it all is and yet… So simple once understood to a certain point, that… how do I put this with out sounding completely arrogant (it’s not the tone that’s meant at all. Not trying to demean anyone by trying to figure out how to explain this in the simplest way…)
Time doesn’t actually exist as we all expect or have been trained to believe. Not really. It actually condenses and ebbs and flows with each individual, warping around each of us ever so slightly. IT’s the reason that time seems too speed along at some points and slow down at others. It’s actually happening. At least, it’s happening in the perceptions of our own mind which is the only way that we have to gage reality. In that then, because we are actively experiencing time to be fluctuating at that rate, it becomes so around us. Think of it like a close kept magic that has since been forgotten.
The reason we can’t manifest “magic” is because of “paradox.” EI, Paradox in this case being that something can not happen or exist unless enough people believe it. If not enough people believe it, it takes too much energy to force that small portion of belief into reality for others to experience it. However, in this particular case with time, because enough people have described and agreed that there is a sense of time shifting in how we experience it, it exists.
Welcome to how my brain thinks on Abilify. Well… my mind always does this. The Abilify doesn’t really have too much to do with it other than maybe how fast my fingers are flying over the keys in order to type this. It just makes everything a bit crisper, a little more amped up in the world and a little more overall manic. So when I do get manic…. wow… kay… that can be fun. and by fun I mean it can switch from completely productive, to rage filled for a few seconds and then back or down or anywhere else. I find that with any of this medicine that I’ve been on it does wonders for the fear anxiety type.
However, for the rest of the emotions and for the Bipolar in particular there are things that seem to really kick me in the ass when it happens. Which generally leads to me apologizing to someone. However, because of how open I am being with everything in the last couple of months both through blogging and general conversation with people, I often times don’t need to apologize as it is understood what’s happening. That it’s not a personal attack towards anyone its just shit going on in my brain and generally with Carbon.
Overall today I am feeling UP in a charged energy sort of way and am excited to be able to go to the Wave after work here today and go paddle and surf lots. I am definitely getting better and the progression is very exciting. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m confident enough to try to figure out how to stream surfing from either my phone or a go pro or somewhere in between the two of those. Really I need to worry about just keeping on the board and continuing to stay on there longer and longer. That will be important. But seriously it would be fun to start streaming river surfing on Twitch and talking and hanging out with people that way. So I just gotta make it happen somehow. I’ll probably do another Instagram check in before surfing today. That was fun the other day.
Ok let’s get to the check in portion of this.
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, UP
–Current Real Mood: Neutral , productive, hyper focused on everything and nothing at once..
–Worst Area: time lapses
–Loss of Time: Felling into my body a lot today. Not sure who else is getting out today. Hopefully I’m not making an ass of myself otherwise.
–Sleep: Fitfull at best, up lots.
Syl – sleeping
Spitfyre – grumbly, doesn’t want to be at “evil” work place
Carbon – HYPE! Wave soon! WAAAAAAVE
Asher – Writing lots. Apparently I have lots to say.
Riven – Shiny what? who?
Sylvia – meh
Lyra – *peaks out at the world* hello world.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abrieva (2.5mg) at night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm mint ^.^