Well this month has been an absolute roller coaster and set of upheavals and i think by Mid February maybe everything will be able to completely settle down once more and at last we’ll be able to rest for a while. it’s a positive outlook and I think for the first time in a while I can actually believe that bit of brightness for more than a fleeting moment here or there that is like a summers perfect breeze that pass by so rarely.
Granted it also helps that for the purpose of trying to get onto this new Abrieva in a way that doesn’t completely knock me off my ass and render me utterly useless (which is actually to say Catastrophically useless. ) for days and not my normally functional self until a week later. I digress. What I am meaning to say is that i had the day off from work, as I did yesterday. Time to actually sit an reflect about all aspects of ones life and trying to understand where it actually is that I want to set as a heading and direction.
This year has already been huge for me as we have taken steps to become completely seen, and acknowledged. Addressed and known. In order for all of us to gain the help that we need from family, friends, Doc A, Doc S and all the rest, we need to be known. Now that very idea in and of itself is terrifying. You have to realize that like so many victims in this world, we hid. We lived inside of the body because we knew on some level that to come out where people could see us and interact was to put ourselves in danger. We didn’t know how but we knew it wouldn’t be good.
On some level it was from the very first Trauma that our dear Syl had to take, when she started creating us. We’d been told not to move, not to stand up, not to be seen and to never discuss anything. Or he’d kill them all. No, it’s not a pleasant thought to have lodged into your brain a majority of your life. Like that was what became your prime directive in a badly misguided version of Star Trek where the monsters were all hostile and no one ever said thank you.
So we’d only sort of come forward… soooort of be seen. I came up with a new analogy the other day that I’m actually quite proud of.
Imagine being the pilot of the plane, and other than the movements of your hands you are one with that unit and flying it. The plane doesn’t know it’s being flown, because it doesn’t have a separate consciousness. To us, before we started taking down those walls and really SEEING each other (and always looking for one another in life but that’s another story. We have to all be found now. I know that. So there’s 7 now… Yah… that’ll be a doozy.) we always thought there was only one pilot and one solid plane. We didn’t realize we were cracked and many.
Then imagine being in a Mech Suit. (Don’t worry. I’ll wait while you go look that up….. …… AREN”T THOSE FUCKING AWESOME!!!) Ok now that we can talk about Mech suits, most of them have some sort of AI or consciousness of their own once you get past the sort of base models. For the sake of this demonstration we’re going to pretend that anyone can pilot that mech suit. So then you have one body and consciousness riding inside another body and consciousness. Both can feel themselves as their own individual self. Which is to say when we try to come forward it’s not always “OUR” body that we are moving. It takes practice to remember how to move with it. Some of us, like Syl, don’t know how to walk on their own anymore, none the less use the larger body that we now have.
There’s so much to start working on and exploring, but it’s going to be a slow process. Slow doesn’t really cover it. But we are pressing hard. We aren’t sitting quietly anymore and we are understanding the trauma’s we went through, and starting to realize that we can stand up, be loud, be heard, and be seen. That we deserve it just as much as anyone. After all, we are parts of a whole, parts of a Sylvia, and she deserves to live with all of personality on the outside.
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Bright, a bit mischievous
–Current Real Mood: Neutral bright, Introspective on self in relation to the world.
–Worst Area: Time jumps, Mood Swings from switches
–Loss of Time: Longer loops of time, more stable switches. Riva and Asher dominated for a SERIOUSLY productive day.
–Sleep: slept mostly well with some odd dreams but overall not bad.
Syl – Can I have a pink unicorn for Valentines Day? (asked softly)
Spitfyre – mischief maker…
Carbon – What if I told you, that everything you thought was true… was a lie. That the world you live in wasn’t real, but rather existed as a large connection to the expanse of the greater infinite universe?
Asher – Blog writing. Contemplating the stupidity of the world in understanding what dangers the US is spiraling towards. Pull in your wings and hug close to the ground. The Storm is here.
Riven – Dealt with
–Sent PDF’s out and corresponded with other orders.
–called Legal Zoom
Sylvia – Sticking mostly in the secondary mode. Letting Asher and Riven SUPER drive today. we did get a ton done today.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abrieva (2.5mg) in the evenings.