Waking up only once in the night to make sure my alarms were set and then drifting back to sleep, only to wake up naturally before the alarms go off? Oh yah, that’s a good way to start a day. Sit peaceful for a moment, listen to Mister’s breathing, listen to my own. Slow… Heartbeat… Slow… Today is a good day. Hold that thought. Today is a good day. Hold onto it again, let’s really actually feel it. I am warm, I am safe, I feel…. Good?
It was the oddest sensation to be awake and actually feeling good after a week and a half of feeling like my world was ending (luckily logical me didn’t think anything of it other than it was obnoxious.) This morning I was able to make myself some coffee, was able to make myself an egg and get out the door before time. This doesn’t happen often. This is a rare morning, but by golly I’ll take it!
Work has been going smoothly this AM. Just a few checks and corrections, but nothing like I was getting before which is good sign. I’m finally learning something! Additionally, I (Asher) just woke up at around 0930 like I do every morning. So it was nice of Riven to get up and go to work for us today. Not like I had a choice Ash, not all of us can sleep in. Yes thank you.
Really we need to give Riven a lot of credit. She’s the one that pulls us all together to get things done. Be it creating loan docs, allowing us snippets of time so Spitfyre and Syl can draw adorable tiny rabbits (which is super important let me tell you.) and still maintaining a good work balance.
That’s the interesting part about DiD. You need to work with everyone inside of you in order to move forward at all. Part of that comes in allowing everyone to have a job or something that they cando everyday. Their own time as it were. So like for Carbon and I, we go to the gym. Carbon’s been doing circles and chewing on his own feet cause we haven’t been able to get UP and go DO anything. So he’s pretty cranky. Just like I was when we stopped writing cause we didn’t even have enough mental capacity to write.
Just so you all know, and so you can get a sense of how I feel… Imagine being a 6ft dude that’s been squashed down into a girls body that is around 40lbs lighter, and not all the right shape and has things like boobs…. and missing other things. The feeling is all together disconcerting. Especially as we have phantom feels. Yes, I realize I’ve never hd a dangly between my legs. Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it would be like to transition so that I COULD finally feel whole. Wooooo ok… There’s some clogged emotional stuff going on there. Gotta talk to the Therapist more about that. So hard to try to walk the balance between all of us. Carbon is getting close to what we want to look like in the mirror in terms of at least overall muscle composition. He couldn’t really care either way if we were actually male, except when we actually DO anything. Then he starts to gripe just like I do. Sylvia MIGHT let us do something crazy with our hair. Not like we have to look all THAT professional between WF and REI. REI wouldn’t care two licks what we did with our hair. Yah…. might be time to let us show through at least a little more in some way. Would help us. Can we? (Carbon here… I’d like that too please.)
So it seems like lots going on and lots left to explore. It’s also only 1035 in the AM…. What adventure awaits!
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, Aloof
–Current Real Mood: Undercurrent of anxiety. Threat level low. Manic/Depression quick switches.
–Worst Area: Time jumps
–Loss of Time: Unstable, quick switches, short loops
–Sleep: 55-60% over the last two weeks. So sleep has been SHIT.
Syl – BUNNIES!
Spitfyre – BUNNIES!
Carbon – We can do things with hair? AND LIFT!?
Asher – I’m writing this blog, and looking solemnly at my empty coffee mug.
Riven – Processing loans. Wooooo fun.
Sylvia – I’m ok to be here today.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), coffee with organic cocoa and lavender added , Aroma Therapy (now sadly worn off)