When your brain chemicals are assholes on the regular, you start getting used to the fact that you never know what you’re going to wake up to.
For instance, waking up and being unable to shower without sitting in the bottom of it. Crawling slowly up a wall to get some shampoo before carefully sitting down again. Just breath… we got this… gotta get to work…
Out of the shower, sit on the mat with the towel over our shoulders. We got this, we can do this… Sitting there everyone comes forward at once trying to give me the strength to get up and it’s too much. Like someones opened the floodgates on my brain and body and all of a sudden I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breath and it feels like I can’t take in air. Well that’s shit.
Throwing walls up in my brain I try to fortify myself again. One at a time. This time I step forward, Carbon, Protector… I’m strong, body is not something we care about. We retreaet to the place just behind the eyes, where we can control the body but feel nothing. Sometimes it’s important to feel nothing. One can sustain longer in cold, in pain, in hunger. All they have to do is pretend to be wolf. Wolf does not expect to be warm, wolf understands pain happens, wolf understands hunger can go for long times.. I stand and we walk to the room, and then to the laundry room to grab clothing.
Getting there is a goal has been reached. Carbon retreats in the middle of trying to slide into a sports bra *cause he doesn’t need one…* and everything crashes. I stumble, I wobble, I’m on the floor.
Small…….. oh no… Syl, hun, it’s not as bad as it feels little one (she’s four. I have a four year old living in my brain. With all the irrational rational, with all of the hopes, dreams, excitement and fears that come with that age.)… yes it is. I can’t stand.. The world swims , and I am all of a sudden lost. We’ll call for help, and in a meek voice that sounds all of four “Mom!” and my Mom bless her, comes and helps get me to my bed. We’re running the bare minimum now. Just the semblance of human. Riven, our great orchestra-tor, “The Engineer” as Syl calls her, our great planner comes forward to try to keep the world as level as she can. But even as we close our eyes there are colors that strobe, and we all try to fit in the body to keep it still and to keep it from shaking. Too dizzy, too sick. I can’t do anything…I Can’t Do Anything…
Three hours later I, Saberlin/Sylvia wake up. What happened and why the fuck is it light outside?! SHIT! Shit shit shit shit! We’re late for work! Why didn’t anyone wake me up! Jerking my entire body up to a sitting position my hands flying under my pillow to grab at my phone. For my efforts I’m awarded with a huge wave of nausea and dizziness that has me falling forward. Riven…. Report please… A flood of images and snippets of conversation are explained and it becomes clear why at almost 10 I am still in bed. Fuck this shit sucks… Another morning failed. This med has got to go.
I get up slowly, and eventually almost an hour later get tea and not even a full half of an English muffin *which seems to oddly be the only thing I can stomach when I’m feeling like shit. which is mildly amusing* and start making calls to Liberty Mutual and to my med doctor. There’s got to be a point that is sustainable…
My doctors have talked that at some point we might reach the “As good as it gets” point. For me that has so far still been up to 5 days a month where I can’t leave the house from petrifying fear and anxiety, days that I have to leave work early cause of choking fear, and friend plans that are cancelled, dates are cancelled, people are never met, all because I can’t.
The day will get better, because I will make it so. I just might be dizzy, inwardly feel like the world is ending, and still I will try to go on with a smile and an appreciation that the sun is shining today.
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral, Aloof
–Current Real Mood: Undercurrent of anxiety. Threat level low. Manic/Depression quick switches.
–Worst Area: Time jumps
–Loss of Time: Unstable, quick switches, short loops
–Sleep: 55-60% over the last two weeks. So sleep has been SHIT.
Syl – sick
Spitfyre – contankerous, I want exactly three pets, and ear scratches, and bacon.
Carbon – unfeeling, sort of aggrivated by all of it. Can we go to Archery now?
Asher – I’m writing this blog, and sniffing lavender… because flowers calm us.
Riven – trying to run program ‘HUMAN’ under default settings…. hard reboot this AM.
Sylvia – Can we go to Archery now?
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), Abilafy *the evil one…. fuck that noise….*
Cinnamon/black tea , Aroma Therapy