Tracking Me: The Week of Hell

So remember when I was trying really hard to make sure I got things logged on here everyday and then I totally disappeared for like a week and a half? Yah… That’s what happens when you get so chemically overloaded that you aren’t necessarily even a sentient being. The issue with trying to get your chemicals right is there has to be trial and error since… All brains are a little different in their chemical signature, and because of that we have no idea how drugs are really going to affect it. Meaning it might make Bob 1 angry, and Bob 2 happy, etc. Well for me, Lexipro *should help with energy and depression etc.* made me very much wanna just down the road and not across the street cause damn that was a shit level of living.

I missed an entire week of work because I literally could not sustain myself and be awake before about 1030-11AM and was then napping by 1-4PM and then back to bed at around 7-9PM. That’s not a lot of hours folks… Here’s the kicker: It would have taken four to six WEEKS for that particular med to level off and to see if it was actually going to do what it should have for me.

Meanwhile we’re sitting here in the mind going:
timeferdat

A: Who’s gonna go to work
B: Money and income are a thing that is needed to sustain… life… in this current iteration.
C: You mean I’d have to feel like ASS for 4-6 WEEKS and then MAYBE get better? Are we fucking kidding here? Mind you I don’t blame the doctors for their efforts. But fer REALZ?!!!

The second recommendation they had was to have me check myself in to the Hospital for a few days (Voluntarily sign myself in…for a “few days.”) But as we see above these meds can take quite a bit of time for adjustment. They said that it would be good as they could do quick changes on the meds since there would be doctors and nurses on hand and they would be able to monitor my mood. Which, fine… I sort of get it. Except for:

MY BRAIN LIES. MY ASPECTS LIE.

We function on a “don’t tell,” keep it secret, keep it safe. Don’t tell anyone how we really feel otherwise they might exploit our weakness. This makes it exceedingly hard to give accurate readings to doctors and has taken MONTHS to develop the report with my current med doctor, none the less a bunch of strangers. Doctor House would have had a FIELD DAY with me… Not much mystery I suppose since I already have a diagnosis…. but… could be wrong.

Oh hey look…. TANGENTS! You know what those are? Ashers way of diverting the conversation from what we need to actually be addressing. And I had to rewrite and stop and pause and edit these last two sentences a lot more than normal cause I can’t type as well as Asher can. *At least you know this….’Asher’* <–Thanks bro… Thanks… No, we don’t always get along 100%. In fact, we’re just like any other couple. In a lot of ways, I live in a mental Polyamorous relationship. Probably why it makes so much sense to me as a way of life.

Speaking of, I finally did another artist profile piece! It’s only been a year 😛

Anyway, hopefully I will be everyday on here again and make sure that I actually keep track of my journey. After all, no one is going to take care of it but me. This is my story and I am going to write it. All of it. ((yes that’s also a metaphor…cause I’m obsessed with them.))

 

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