January 11, 2017 – Tracking Me

((TIME 0754-0850))
–Current Mood:
–Current Real Mood: Tired, distracted and distant.
–Worst Area: .Panic attacks. Started this AM. Some of my fortitude bunnies ran away (great metaphor… I’ll explain in a bit.) Panic levels still high working with 6 rabbits today.((1020))
–Loss of Time: happening in about 15 minute bursts as Riven creates docs. That’s fine, she’s working I don’t necessarily need to be present for her to get things done.
–Sleep: Like shit. You know how shit sleeps? Oh wait it doesn’t.
–The 7: Struggling a bit this AM. Trying to get everyone to rouse. Spitfyre and Syl are still passed out, Lyra is… slowly rising to the world but she’ll prob sleep most of the day. Riven’s trying to keep productive and I’m trying to type to help her to do so. (Asher’s a better typist.)
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night), cofffeeeeeeeeeee, earl grey lavender coffee

So I decided yesterday morning as my calm state that I had carefully crafted through a few snooze and doze sessions with my rather polite alarm clock *cause it doesn’t beep… it’d not live long if it did… fuck those alarm clocks.*, that within my mind and heart exist rabbits. Super soft rex like rabbits, but more of arctic hare shape.

Anyway, these rabbits, of which there are only so many, lets say 10 for the sake of easy math, represent the amount of energy and fortitude I have for continuing into my day and utilizing throughout the day as needed.

Sometimes rabbits get scared off by nightmares caused by anxiety and ptsd during the night. Sometimes I’ll wake up into a panic attack which scares the rabbits. Sometimes there’s a slow decline in rabbits throughout the day as there should be and I even have some left over in the evenings *which is when I stream art or hang out with people.*

I’ve realized I have to have a full set of rabbits if I’m going to meet someone new, or do something like go to an interview… This can get tricky and takes a lot of set up and prior mental work *meditation, sleep, prep music etc.* But I have to be gentle with my bunnies, and treat them softly, and be really kind to them. They’re fragile, just like I am at my core. Days that I “soldier on,” with too few rabbits, I burn out quicker and am generally set back a couple of days. Which isn’t worth it for anyone.

The nice things about the rabbits is if they find they feel completely safe around someone, it doesn’t take any energy to be around those people. So finding friends that have good energy and that give back to us is extremely important (and healthy).

So beware of the bunnies… >.> If you disturb the bunnies, you disturb my calm. At which point I’m liable to either hide all day or get SUPER angry. No one wants either of those…

11 Rabbits: 11 Rampant Rabbits is not a good thing, means I’m manic, scattered, and thinking I’m doing way better than I am. Secret: some of the rabbits are only holograms at this point leading me to believe I have more energy and can do more than I’m really capable of. Rude rabbits >.> rude…
10 Rabbits: Fully functioning, everyone is happy, I get up and feel I have energy, generally positive look
9 Rabbits: Generally pleased, normal energy, can cope with all things on a to do list at my own pace. Fairly productive.
8 Rabbits: Productive but scattered, may not stay on task completely. Time losses start.
7 Rabbits: Productivity starts to fall, time splits occur more frequently, Carbon starts to get restless.
6 Rabbits: Productivity is about half, very hard to think, time splits occurring at intervals less than 5 minutes.
5 Rabbits: No productivity, simply existing and going through motions. Time split starts to occur at intervals less than 3 minutes. optical seizures more frequent
4 Rabbits: No Productivity, forward movement on everything is halted. Perceived threat level increasing. Carbon pacing and using energy to scan everyone as IFF (identification friend or foe.) optical seizures more frequent. Depression prevalent.
3 Rabbits: Fuck off. I’m not getting out of bed till the fear goes away. Time splits occur at less than 1 minute intervals. optical seizures more frequent. Depression prevalent.
>3 Rabbits: NOPE. NOPEDY NOPE NOPE TO NOPERSVILLE ON THE FUCK OFF TRAIN. Hiding, hiding so I don’t punch, kick, and otherwise try to defend myself from things.

–Triggered reduction of rabbits can occur at any point in the day from interactions or events. If this occurs my failsafe’s generally give me 15-30 minutes to get safe before I completely shut down. If the trigger is bad enough I will curl up where I’m at and try to sleep and escape. This can get difficult for keeping myself safe. Which is why I generally try to not leave the house if I start out with less than 6 out of 10 rabbits. The losses and detriment towards my work is greater than the payout at that point.


–SIDE NOTE: in searching I’m finding that most of the actual tags dealing with Disassociative Identity Disorder are just for things like movies, and the misinterpretation and misrepresentation of this disorder within them. I’m hoping I can reach out to others like me and find out what it’s like for them. I feel its important to talk to like individuals.


Previous Post January 9, 2017 – Tracking Me


One thought on “January 11, 2017 – Tracking Me

  1. Pingback: January 12, 2017 – Tracking Me | From the Artist's Desk

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