I’ve found in looking back at myself over the years and as I’ve started this journey in looking at moods, temperaments, personalities, all of the many me’s inside of my head…. (run on sentence is long.)… that I am simply a mimic in a lot of ways. I mean as many of us are, we recreate what we see in others. But more often then not it’s because we are learning to assign emotions and feelings to the movements that we are doing. A smile when we are happy, slumped shoulders when we are sad.
But what if you go through life largely just doing the movements and not actually feeling the things that go with them?
In living in a constant ever running undercurrent of depression and sadness (often accompanied by spikes of bone petrifying fear, paranoia, and biting anger), I missed how to actually emulate certain aspects of things like being happy, or how to have a truly friendly conversation (you know that leads to things like actually being friends.). Then you get into the more complex set of emotions, things like lust, seduction… because of everything that happened to me part of my alters, a very Lyra (like lyrics)by name, because very good at either trying to completely hide any of my sexuality. Gaining me “dude” status with many… Or being able to completely override…. everything… and make sure that she had control of the situation completely and made sure she got her way.
But simply being friendly? Being a friend? I’m fiercely loyal, but more in the ways of a wolf. I will snuggle you, I will hunt with you, I will romp and play and adventure with you, I will protect you from evil people, I will stand guard around you if we are on a night out on the town (fill Alpha mode. Just imagine having two large wolf men, Asher and Carbon on either shoulder…like big handsome Viking guards… you just cant see them and that is unfortunate because they are lovely.) But I don’t make small talk well.
Unless I care for you deeply I likely wont ever ask after your family or your pets. I likely wont remember your birthday and then sketch some art day of to show you I care, but my memory is shit.
Luckily I have a business “alter,” Riven. Imagine a tall dark haired woman, hair always completely straight and laying down a sheet of dark auburn down her back to about the half way point. Always in business vests (seriously where can I get more business dress vests.. I’d live in that shit.) and heels. She’s great at being a “people person” and will be the one that most strangers interface with, sometimes without even my own self being aware of it. So if I don’t remember your name… please understand that I may not have met you yet.
The only issue with Riven is she is exceedingly logical and will delve into fact and opinion with a fairly rough passion… It can be a bit overwhelming. Then again, this is me. If you can’t handle it from the get go…. it likely wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
Another problem with having alters that live deep within the body. We figured out a long time ago that not everyone needs to breath. Sort of like vampires, those that exist largely within the mind and those that don’t often come forward… sort of forget how to breath… well… rather… we forget that we NEED to. This leaves me sighing constantly. Especially if I’m switching a lot in between everyone.
I’m realizing I need this link on a business card… “Here, have a free pass to my brain. This is how I work. Kayyyyyy….” – It would be easier than trying to explain this to everyone all the time. I love talking about me, don’t get me wrong 😉 But even for me it can get just exhausting.
Speaking of sighing… let’s discuss yawning. If there’s 0 reasons I should be tired but I’m yawning, it’s because someone else is coming forward and I may suddenly not know where I am, what we were talking about, what I was talking about. Sometimes this means I may be trying to say something really hard, yawn, and then not have any idea where that thought was even going. Yah. Makes discussing things like emotions really “easy”. But… that’s because Riven doesn’t like to give out too much information. If she does it’s either cause she thinks we’ll never see you again and thus it won’t have any affect on our lives. or she really likes you and you’re about to get all of my info ever.
No, there’s no clear way to tell the difference between those two paths.
Anyway, let’s get to where I was actually getting to with all of this.
When I watch TV shows like the new “Lucifer” and he has trouble understanding why humans get so bent out of shape over stupid shit like sex, drugs, touch, etc… I SO GET IT. We’re supposed to laugh and say that he’s awkward. Unfortunately for me I’d be laughing at myself.
I wish I could say that nearly nine hundred words in that I’d make some sort of clear statement summarizing how my emotions and connection to things like the body we all live in actually works… but I’m not even that lucky in understanding. The truth is all of us in this thing called a Saberlin, a Sylvia, or however you call her (us) are learning about how to actually connect to people for the first time on things that aren’t simply transactional.
Be Patient… We’ll get there.