January Third, 2017
I had found at one point in the last few years that taking time every morning to write was greatly increasing my abilities to function as a normal human being. This, after much thought, seems to be the important thing to be able to do. I can’t say that in my current mental state that I much enjoy it. However, it seems to be truth that one can only work on something by actively getting after it. So here we go.
Some of the writings on this page will be general check it’s while others will be stories that I’ve started and will continue, or inspirational thoughts on my good days etc.
—I “suffer” (see also ‘live with a dysfunction, suffer a mental illness, have a broken brain, am not ‘all the way right’ in the head….etc) from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Disassociative Identity Disorder.
Largely, the DiD and PTSD trigger the anxiety, which in turn mostly spirals the depression up and down. The ONLY thing that having an actual diagnosis has done for me, is help me categorize what I’m feeling and why, and then try to act accordingly to get me back to a better mental state of being. That is to say, I haven’t regretted taking the time to go in and find out what I actually have. It hasn’t closed doors on me and instead has opened them for improvement. Improvement of self is never a bad thing.
Over the next year it is my goal to be as absolutely transparent about how I am feeling, when I am feeling it, and what I do to try to take care of that. I’m hoping I can use this blog and other tracking methods to more accurately find out how I’m doing over long periods of time, and hopefully, start to see gradual improvement.
Things I use to try to feel better:
-Listening to Music while I work
-Working Out *lifting heavy, running, swimming*
-Surfing: Nothing is as serene as listening to a River, the feel of water carrying you after you’ve attempted to stand atop it. It’s hard work and you have to be able to be both alert and let go. It’s great practice for the body and the mind.
-Nap: a default setting that my body likes to power down into at inconvenient times. Like when I’m stressed or sometimes when learning new things, or a few other instances…
-Aroma Therapy (when I’m at home) Hello Peppermint and Lavender. Let me just curl up in your sweet smells.
Here’s where the challenge arises with writing. I’m already over it right now…
Without further a do.
–Current Mood: who cares. seriously. who gives two fucks about anything.
–Current Real Mood: Can I just hide in bed where it’s safe warm and dark? I like it there… These people all scare me.
–Worst Area: Perception of worthlessness. No motivation cause nothing matters. Lack of self esteem and lack of “self.” Disconnected and fairly despondent.
–Sleep: Shit. Woke up afraid and startled awake from adrenaline spikes that had me fitful all night.
–The 7: Fragmented
-Been fighting off panic attacks all morning. Great use of energy… >.>