Tracking Me – April 27, 2017

No apologies for not writing in this last super slump. Which is really what the last couple of weeks has been. A re-visitation that yes, all of these issues are very real and when they compound on top of one another there is nothing I can do but hold on for the dearest of lives and try to get through all of it. It’s not easy either let me tell you what. It’s exhausting and everyone wonders why people with anxiety and depression are tired all of the time. It’s fighting a chemical warfare that’s going on on the inside of your head. You can’t see it but missiles are being launched and the grounds are being carpeted repetitively. You can’t ever really catch your breath. You can’t really ever feel relaxed because you know that there is some kind of threat.

Your brain puts stock into all sorts of things it shouldn’t when your mind is in overdrive too. Nothing you can do but try to remember that everything you’re feeling in that moment is actually greatly decreased and not actually there. Or rather, the feelings are there but, maybe only half as strong as how we are perceiving them. And you can’t convince your mind even though you know its completely illogical.

Makes for understanding relationships really hard. What you feel for someone may be colored by whatever your brain is throwing out there at that moment rather than what you are actually feeling or logically understand for the situation. It’s also a blessing and a curse to be able to back out so logically from a situation and go, “Oh… yes I do understand things from that viewpoint…goodness…ouch.”

Like understanding that as much as you want to be in a relationship that where your brain is at and still learning how to adjust is just… not something I want to inflict upon anyone. I understand how draining (and I mean that in a literal way, not a mean way.) it can be to be around someone that is depressed all or a lot of the time. Especially if we get into a “THE WORLD IS ENDING OH GAWD” sort of mood. Or rather, it would take the right person. As much as I’ve wanted to have found them, both parties have to want to deal with one another’s… well issues. Cause we definitely all have them. While I’m always willing to help others with what they go through I also understand not being at a point where they want to reciprocate that. Nor do I hold it against them. Oh Logic… You suck. Can’t I just get a happily ever until we decide otherwise?

I’ve also been looking at the sides of me that are Poly, and why we’ve needed to be Poly for our lives up until this point. When you’re…. fractured, there’s no real saying who is going to like who, nor, if you don’t know you have alters, is there any “let’s decide on one person,” option. It just doesn’t exist and you don’t really have a choice. Polyamory for me, in a lot of ways has been because I have many alters that would like many people all at once. This isn’t really conducive to having a long lasting monogamous relationship. Which, granted I’ve always been in, but because of the way some of us have been in the past ((we’ve been doing a lot of heavy work with one another lately. It’s exhausting but absolutely necessary.)) we haven’t been able to understand necessarily why we’ve had feelings for other people, and Polyamory made complete sense. Well what it’s actually been, has been multiple personalities, all of whom can and want and enjoy monogamy but have been incapable due to the DiD of achieving that truly on a level with anyone…. until more recently.

Once we all knew about one another, we’ve been working towards working together and on some assimilation. I am doubtful nor do I necessarily want to fully assimilate into one human being mind as I’ve found some great assets in being able to call upon a single one of us to perform certain tasks etc. However, I digress.  When you can work on being fully present, and when we don’t have to concentrate on hiding from someone, and can switch at leisure, it means that the person is exposed to all of us. Over time, this has actually helped to, when in the presence of this particular individual, act as one singular mind. There is a complete sense of peace and feelings of being completely safe around this person. When the anxiety and fear are gone, when we no longer have to keep our wolf ears perked, when we no longer have to feel like we need to be ready for anything at any second of everyday then we can  just……. be. When that happens, I am whole. It’s not that I need THIS ONE PERSON, and I know there could likely be others, but this has been the first time I’ve actually experienced this feeling and to say that I have at all is somewhat of a miracle. So I am infinitely grateful, no matter what happens, for the experience in knowing that I CAN feel that way about someone. That I don’t HAVE to be poly to have a relationship, that I can have a monogamous want an desire to share my life with someone.

 

Morning musings… possibly more to come later.

Tracking Me – April 19, 2017

I’d say that finding time to write has become harder since the lack of a desk job, but I will… Yes, I realize how rediculous the previous statement is but thats about the stateof my brain right now. I’d deciding and then cancelling out thoughts almost at random as it goes along. Like Im just the body doing the writing because now I know…. there’s another me in here. The one really moving the fingers. And if I’m really careful about it I can sneak all the way out to the front and become Asher. Hey Everyone.

Sorry we had to do a bit of a switcheroo there so that way we could actually get this writing show on the road. God, how many years after high school and I still have a hard time writing the word writing. I always think it needs two t’s. Which my brain wanted to write as, tt, as that would make more of an immediate example. Strange isn’t it. Humans and the way we’ve created language to transmit the big ideas and yet we are reducing ourselves to 160 characters on Twitter. Why do we do that? Why would, when we have so many words to use, do we stick to the simple and small things to day.

I can imagine a wold where, people would ask one another large questions and have intense conversations as those now have conversations about sports. “When was the last time  you pondered the existence of the next galaxy over?” How much fun would that be!

I think that if everyone on this planet tried to have one conversation that pushed themselves intellectually the world would be a much better place. Or to expose themselves that is difficult or different. To expand the mind.

Other than that lets actually try to get into how we’re actually all feeling today. Overall = amazing. I had a wonderful night out with my best friend, slept well, got Mister all taken care of, and then came home and put together my computer to get it ready to stream for the Adobe Channel which went amazingly. which… we are all so glad for. We essentially just let Riven, Saber and Asher all take over and do all of the talking which was definitely for the better.

Anyway… rambling again. I’m really scattered today and I knew I was having a hard time getting some of my points across today but that’s ok. I just couldn’t think. I’ve had a hard time since getting my blood drawn. Nope, it’s definitely gone. the muse to write has officially left the building. Now I want to go exploring.

 

Tracking Me – April 4, 2017

sinkingfeeling

I have had some of the worst couple of days here recently regarding my own mental health. I mean I know that’s what this is all about but normally I’m just the one writing about it. I don’t normally actually…. suffer from a lot of this. I’m Asher, writer, male, about 31 years old or something close to that. I’m 5’11 blah blah blah, adore lox and cream cheese, salmon in general really. Uh… Anyway, yah hi everyone. So where was I? Oh yah. So I’m normally sitting here writing what Sylvia and the rest are feeling. The last few days here? Yah it’s been all me. Apparently I really can’t handle people being insincere in their word. Leading you one way with promise of job and funds, and a place for you and your dog only to be jerked around for a month and then come to have them tell you nothing of the sort of what was conveyed prior. I’m done with lairs in my life. It’s not even necessarily them lying maliciously *well in a way…. I guess all lying is done in order to gain something for self.* though they are of course trying to score an amazing employee. Which I would be for them, if they gave me any sense of security which from the beginning they haven’t. Nothing has been in writing, it’s all been through Texts… None of the texts end up matching what they said previously. It’s just a bad business model. Which is something I don’t want to *(again)* be sucked into. Been there, done that, paid the bad taxes on it. Maybe next year I can try again, or maybe by next year I’ll be in Ireland with an awesome job. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be surfing somewhere either in Boise or another country. I have no idea and right now I’m not particularly worried about it. I just know that I’ve been suffering the past few days from a drove of anxiety… to the point that I puked yesterday morning and had a complete come apart. That hasn’t happened in a decade.. The last time I puked I had wrapped myself around a telephone poll out back of a pita pit in Ellensburg after an Ex and his buddy got me so drunk I couldn’t handle life. Well… that’s what 6 vodka crans that each have about two three shots worth will do to a 140lb girl. I was a little heavier then… My depression was HEAVY at that time too.

So, I had to take a good hard look at it and after practicing in a dream this AM, let me best friend know I wouldn’t be going to AK this summer. I just.. can’t handle the back and forth of information and the possibility of not having housing until the last minute and and and and… It’s just too much for me. Does it make me less adventurous? Maybe. Does it mean that I’m not going to spend the winter in some tropical place? Maybe. I say maybe because if I can really pull all my expenses in tight I can pull off a good trip this winter. I don’t mind if it’s not months long. I will make things work, I always do. I’ll be able to focus more directly on my art this summer with the extra time which will be nice. I can get the rest of the coloring books distributed and be done with that part of things. I think the coloring book phase is ending and my place in it needs to do so as well. I’d love to keep pushing it and maybe I will depending on how things go.

Fuck… This is what I’m really bad at is not rambling. Though I guess I finally got to the point I was trying to make regarding anxiety and depression. That was all me and Riven yesterday shouldering way too much and just finally cracking. It’s really no wonder between the season (apparently Spring is the worst… you’d think it’d be winter. I’ve come to decide that it’s actually pollens fault for blocking ports in the brain. It just makes logical sense. I wonder if tests have been done for that?) Anyway. Depression, when it stacks up becomes something that is like a living force that starts in your gut and pulls you more and more inward until you are sure that you may as well have inverted in an effort to become more inwardly turned. Anxiety is like a dog that will gnaw at their own skin until there’s a festering hole because all of it itches, then hurts, and all they know is the swipe of their tongue brings some brief reprisal of the afflicting sensation. PTSD, causing you to ever look over your shoulder, don’t have your back to the door, don’t, stop, careful, ever wary… Bi Polar throwing me from one extreme to another has been plaguing me all morning. Elated, depressed, confident, utterly destroyed. It’s a yo yo that never stops. The meds? They help… when you don’t puke them up and then somehow seem to push the rest through your body so when you taken them the next morning they… Hit you like a god damned wall. If you’ve ever run into a mental wall of medication you’ll have complete understanding of what this feels like…

I should shut up.. I just keep babbling at this point.

TLDR: Yesterday sucked the arse end of a platypus. yah… figure that one out. ew.
Today, is marginally better as I’m actually up and functioning. In a girl body. At a job that I only have roughly 14 hours remaining in. OH LIFE, you and your silly monkey wrenches in things…. >.<

Tracking Me – March 22, 2017

I can’t quite tell if I’m excited, relieved, or about to throw up. I think it’s about an equal third of each with the nearly puking being right up there…. sort of like at the top of my throat and my tongue might be the only thing keeping from making a mess of my keyboard. Graphic a bit maybe but that’s how I feel.

I just gave my two weeks notice at Wells Fargo and all of my life is starting to come into quick and sharp review. I’ve held this job for about a year and a half and in that time have been promoted twice. Once from a phone banker, to Premier Banker, and then again to Loan Documentation Specialist. The goal was to settle into the LDS *lol…. no wonder this has been such a bad fit.* for the next two to five years. That was greatly shortened when I realized I’m simply not learning anything and there’s literally no point in me being here and beating my head against a wall.

I’m lucky in that I think I literally beat my boss to the punch by a couple of days but I will take it. Always better to leave gracefully rather than get left as a grease stain because I got fired from a previous job.

Either way so I have them for later:

–18883270027 – Employee Assistance Center

–18774793557 – Wells Fargo HR (opt 2 insurance) (opt 4 EAC)

Ok, now to go call them. Keep updated folks! But it’s happening. Two more weeks and then no more WF!

Saber N Crew Over N Out!

Tracking Me – March 16, 2017

Well it only took me the better portion of three hours but I just got my very first level 2 difficulty loan document done today. With the help of my boss… so stressful. This was after she informed me that she had reached out to Liberty Mutual on my behalf since she had not yet heard anything regarding my short term disability leave. I’m not sure whether that’s a break in privacy regarding her reaching out or if bosses can do that. I’m assuming bosses can do that but whatever. Either way… We’ll see where this universe points me. I have a feeling that out of all the directions I could go in life right now, NORTH may be the one I look towards the most.

Stability, Mountains, Snow, Adventure… The North provides much.

TLDR: I’m still on the downside but am trying to look towards the positive. I’m feeling a little low and trying to just hang on. Feeling like I want to lie down and not get up for a really long time. Like I want to escape into dreams because it’s “safe” there.  Guess that’s not really too short. See what happens when I try to only type a little bit? Then my fingers just take off all on their own! 😛 But seriously…

Just one more hour and then we can leave and go to Therapy. See if we can’t herd cats across a Fjord…

Tracking Me – March 13, 2017

GUH! It’s definitely a Monday morning. Who authorized this shit? I think we need at least three more days in a holiday. There are more than enough of us to all work and make things happen. The only issue is that those that don’t want to work ever are still out there and have no idea how to actually put in a hard days worth of work so that we can ALL play more. Oh well…. Really I’m just bitching from having to wake up at all this morning. None the less before I was good and ready too. Also my morning coffee which is usually sweet and creamy is somehow this morning obnoxiously acidic. I don’t know how mom and dad drink this stuff through a coffee pot.

Ok. I think I have enough time to go grab bacon if there is any. Or better coffee…. or something.
Coffee with chocolate in it isn’t quite so bad… Little on the sugary side, will have to do some burpees or rowing later to run that out of the system >.>

Gonna try to stay a full 8 at work today, see if I can do it. That’s out of here by 1530 and I normally leave at 1330. So let’s see. I’ve already been here roughly two hours and I get my first break here in about 5 minutes. Then I’ll tell myself I’m “starting” my day and see if we can’t trick ourselves into having a 6 hour day that starts then. It does put us back in the rest of our schedule but that should be ok. I’m just doing my best to try to be as awesome as I can from here on out. Save as many FMLA hours as I can. We’ll see how well it goes. I also didn’t bring my phone charger… bugger. Man today is starting to feel a little rough around the edges and I disapprove highly. Amazing how quick it can change.

I’m not the only one suffering through today as it’s not only a Monday but the Monday after a time change as well. Ugh! At least I currently haven’t been working on Sunday’s. That has been nice having the past few weekends off here. Overall I think my whole brain and processes have been starting to get better and better over the longer course of time. Though I think a lot more of that has to deal more with the self work, though the meds are also starting to aid. I still can’t believe how long it takes everything to level out and play together though.

Having a really hard time concentrating now so I think I’m just about going to wrap this up. Actually I should leave it open in case we are and likely are and yes I Have confirmation that we’re simply not wanting to write right in this minute. BUt that’s the nice thing about minutes is they continue to progress and if I wanted to I could sit for a while and just relax into the moments and let them pass slowly writing more and more and more until finally I can lull the others into a sense of comfort and sliiiiip past and forward and Hello and Good Afternoon all my Asher fans 😉

Well that was short lived… >.> I take over, Riven takes over aaaaaaand there goes my writing streak. Now we’re stuck secondary again though still writing. Yawning lots trying to come forward. I wish there was a way to describe the pressure of trying to walk into your own body from the back of your mind. Yes, it feels just as crazy as that sounds for one. Still super distracted. Contemplated doing another document or practice, but I don’t think I can get another one done in 15 minutes. Seriously I can’t even write a paragraph without my mind getting off topic. Getting to the end of a sentence just because I can type almost as fast as I can think and sometimes I can type just as fast which is nice. That’s how novels get written 😉 But I have to be in a really quiet and undisturbed setting for that to be able to take lace. I wonder which axiom gym I should go to today >.>

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral,
–Current Real Mood: Mood is completely tanked. I feel as grey as the clouds that are looming dark over the mountains.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss. Absolutely 0 motivation to do anything.  Like… none… Fuck this blog, other than I need to actually record on my bad days too. Bull shit.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – ZONKED
Spitfyre – SHINY! O.o
Carbon – Let’s pick a direction today and drive.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today, I bet we could make it to the ocean by just about sunrise tomorrow morning…. >.>
Riven – GODDAMNEDMESS!!! *looks around brain….*
Sylvia – This Armor is far too worn down for this.
Lyra – GONE atm. May as well not exist right now.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^

Tracking Me – March 8, 2017

DarknessThis image completely describes how I feel today. Surrounded by darkness both inside and out and like no matter how hard I try to look around and see where the danger is coming from I can’t see that it’s only coming from inside of myself. There’s a tightness in the chest and throat that are choking yet somehow you manage to panic breath around it. You’re alive… but only just.

I’m really trying to hang on at work right now. I have a check in meeting at 0930-1000 which is going to be agonizing. I have a team meeting from 10-11 and then training from 11-1130… I don’t want to do any of it. I want to just go home…

I know I say this literally every time I write but I feel like it might actually start having an affect one day. I gotta write every day. Yesterday would have been a really hard day to write on and today isn’t being much better. Generally if I start going down in the afternoon of a day the next day is shit. I’m really glad I just stayed in and didn’t go on any adventures yesterday. Today I have to work at REI in the evening and it seems like it’s impossibly far away and in four minutes from now all at once. I really hate time. There never seems to be enough of it and it really has a habit of wigging me out.

I’m really thinking about just calling it and leaving in like…. 10 minutes. Stayed here an hour today? But we have a team meeting today so that will take up some time and I have some training stuff I can be focused on so that will take up some time. I brought in my sketch book so I do have that sitting next to me and my coffee. So those are all good things. I’m wearing red from the top of my head to my waist for international womens day. Im standing up for what I believe in through dress, art, and attitude every day. Living ones own truths can sometimes be just completely freaking devastatingly exhausting. I woke up with two out of ten energy rabbits today. Rallied. Got dressed…. barely got out the door… Drove to work and got here and now I just want to sit here and cry and its bull shit and I hate it. Gr.

How is it still only fucking 0852. Time is going too slow today. Right now anyway. Seriously I have to last another half hour then I don’t have to be chained to my desk this AM. That will be good. This shouldn’t have to be this hard to just stay at a work place. I’m starting to switch faster as everyone inside of me tries to start breaking forward so they can “help” us leave.

I unfortunately can’t even hold on long enough to want to finish whole sentences. There’s my boss… ok. Time to go grab food, that should help with some time.

THINGS TO DO: IN 2017
can’t look at that list right now it’s too overwhelming cause I feel like it all has to be done by 330 this afternoon… >.<

((TIME 1023))
–Current Mood (Public Facing): Neutral,
–Current Real Mood: Mood is completely tanked. I feel as grey as the clouds that are looming dark over the mountains.
–Worst Area: Scattered thoughts. Long time loss. Absolutely 0 motivation to do anything.  Like… none… Fuck this blog, other than I need to actually record on my bad days too. Bull shit.
–Loss of Time: Larger chunks. Something’s missing or not right but we’re out of sync with how we should be. Means that everything feels less real. Harder to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing.
–Sleep: SHIT. Kept tossing and turning
–The 7:
Syl – pain…
Spitfyre – pain… I don’t want to be around so many people today…
Carbon – Let’s pick a direction today and drive.
Asher – I’ll agree with Carbon today. I really don’t know how much longer I’m gonna last even writing this blog today.
Riven – At the helm trying to pull strings today since everything is out of sync. It’s harder to do any sort of work this way.
Sylvia – This Armor is far too worn down for this.
Lyra – GONE atm. May as well not exist right now.
-Meds: Oxcarbazepine (300mg morning and night) Abrieva (2.5mg) last night. Aroma Therapy. mmmmm lavender ^.^