A Year in Review: 2017

It has been far far far far far ((long ago in a galaxy far away)) too long since I’ve written anything down or done any sort of journaling(shut up its totally a real word) whatsoever. The last portion of 2017 was an intensely amazing adventure filled with new Love, work trials, the struggles of mental health, random illness’, the rough search on the job market (which is still continuing) and through it all, a slow and steady regain of my confidence.

July 14th I took my best friend Chris up to Burgdorf hot springs just north of McCall Idaho, and came back with a boyfriend. Ever since we have been running all over the state, and PNW enjoying camping trips, hot springs vacations, long drives through mountain passes, and the unfaltering growth, and enjoyment of one another’s company.   I have NEVER been with such a SWEET, Compassionate, Intelligent, Adventurous, SUPPORTIVE partner. Chris helped dig me out of a dark place I was in from last winter, and over our adventures and through our MANY talks, and hours of conversation has started to show me so many things about myself that I’d simply forgotten. Like how to love myself, how to continue to have passion for my art, how to go after jobs relentlessly and continually because I DO Deserve to have a good job that fulfills me. Through it all he stands by my side, and I fully intend with every portion of my being, to keep him by my side for the rest of my life.

This holiday season I had the pleasure of starting to know his large extended family, and I have NEVER felt so welcomed in by a group of family members before in my entire life. These people have some of the biggest hearts and you can see the support they give one another and the actual enjoyment that they share together.  I’ve met a lot of families over the years, and this one… this one has something ❤ special ❤ and I hope it only continues to grow over the years for them, and never leaves them.

Speaking of! Two of my Lovely Aunt’s were able to visit for this holiday season and it was WONDERFUL being able to spend time with them again.

I joined a local group called Bold Betties this year and have gone on some amazingly awesome adventures and am set to check out even more of them ((as soon as I get a little more financially stable.)). This group is SO GOOD at being open to women of all ages, ethnicity and backgrounds and making sure that they are introduced to all sorts of activities. From hiking to backpacking, torch work for metal and glass, horse back riding, sand surfing and so so much more.

My mental health, as always has been a constant companion and a test of my inner endurance and strength. Though I am VERY pleased to announce that as of the top of this year: I am completely medication free. I’m not sure how it is going to go, or if I’m just going through a nicely timed “manic” phase where I feel sufficiently on top of the world, or if my body was really just being that messed up by the meds.

Roughly around October, I went off of the medicine “Abilify,” as it seemed to do anything but “abilify” me to continue. It more or less turned me into an over caffeinated (feeling), easily agitated rage cat. Which is pretty much the opposite of what it’s supposed to do.

In November I started randomly bleeding every time I used the restroom….. which resulted in doctors visits, blood work, and a CT scan. None of which proved any sort of results. On one had I did find out that all my internal organs seem to look perfectly healthy and that my blood work was shiny and clean. HURRAY! What it didn’t give me an answer to was why I was still bleeding and having other sort of….issues… Like severe mental cloudiness, and less of a will to get out of bed, severe bouts of anxiety still, all the things that the meds were supposed to be helping with. So as of four days ago, I quit taking it….. and the bleeding stopped, and my gut feels like it’s healing, and my life is starting to feel like it has more “sunshine” spots in it.

I know mental health meds are still largely “in trial” even though they say they aren’t. This is still a very “newly” addressed issue in trying to chemically fix the brain. Though it certainly beats the fixes of old.. (see electroshock therapy etc.) It’s infinitely frustrating though, trying to find something to aid me when my world does go dark around the edges and the dark voices start to try to tell me that life just isn’t worth it. It’s also hard living in a state where, the one thing I DO know that helps (see: the great Mary Jane) is stupidly illegal with no  legalization in sight. So I don’t currently have access to any sort of crutch or assistance other than my own gumption, and the HUGE support of my boyfriend, family, and friends that I know are reading this post. (You all know who you are and I am eternally grateful for you.) Geographical change in my future? Yah it could happen…

The 7 of us that are residing in this body have also been able to slowly start to work to come together ((not as in becoming one mind, we refuse.)) and start to work together and communicate with one another. It’s been wonderful meeting all of the many “me’s” as well as being able to learn things about “myself” in that capacity, that I never knew.

The 7 of us were also all able to fall in love with one AMAZING man ((whos family and adventures I’ve mentioned above)) and it has been world changing for me and I couldn’t be happier. My Partner knows about all of us, AND calls us by name as he recognizes us throughout the day. This type of forward recognition has made us all feel more alive, and exceedingly more valid. We DO exist and it’s been wonderful having that acknowledgement. It does wonders for a persons confidence when they are known, recognized and acknowledged…. AND LOVED!!!

I know I always say this, and each time it’s true, but I am going to make an effort to take time for myself and continue to journal and keep in touch with you all that have been following my journey across the internet and world. Thank you all for your support, for your likes, for your comments, and for helping me shed light on what it’s ACTUALLY like to live with these mental issues, and take the “Hollywood Stigma’s” out of them.


Sneaky Depression

((TLDR listed at the end))

I find every day that depression is so much more subtle and quiet than I first thought when I was dealing with it. Of course, how I’ve started to deal with my emotions over the last year has drastically changed. Including getting into therapy and starting to take medication. Which reminds me I need to pick up my other new medication tomorrow. It’s supposed to help with the depression side of things but we shall see.

Depression has been such a constant companion throughout my life that I am not sure if I really know what it means to be actually happy or ecstatic for any period of time. There are moments don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with my new boyfriend, and our adventures up into the hills and the mountains is what has helped me maintain over the last month and a half. However, I do not want to shoulder him the burden that I have been carrying. Yes, a partner should be able to help you with what ails you, but they shouldn’t be a crutch as it’s not fair to either party. Meaning the one party that is suddenly shouldering the burden may fall into the step of depression themselves, and that is not something I want to have happen.  I digress.

Over the last year I have felt my depression start to get quieter, like it’s trying to become sneaky. I don’t like it. It’s like that portion of my brain is trying to figure out how to survive and continue and so it’s dodging around, dancing like a fox around a trap that it knows is under the leaves but can’t quite tell WHERE the trap is. It only hopes to avoid the trap, but is always inevitably ensnared.

This is what it’s like to contend with depression on a day to day basis as well. Some days I wake up and it’s there, looming at the foot of my bed, or like the weight of a blanket I don’t ever remember pulling on. A weight that feels like it could put you down through the mattress and restrain you to the floor. It’s not a pleasant thing. Other days I wake up feeling fine, feeling good even, but once I’m awake and start walking around, it starts to seep in, almost from the tops of my shoulders, like someone trying to pull me down and onto the floor. So I’ll stay there never to get up again. Some days, rare ones, I’m ok all day, pleasant and happy even at times. Those days have been much less rare recently with the start of a new relationship with my best friend Chris. With a little bit of luck, open communication and time I’m hoping that those happy days will continue for a very long time.

As a side note to everything regarding depression, some of the things that relieve my depression, or at least help me avoid it:

Sleep: Cause you can’t feel when you’re asleep right? Wrong. At least when you dream like I do. Then your brain can actually manifest scenarios to match how you’re feeling. It sucks. But at least I don’t have to actively deal with it being awake…

Working Out: Something I need to get back to. It’s been far too long since I went into the gym on a regular basis. I have at least been getting out into the mountains for some trail hiking as well as being able to go on bike rides and the like with Chris. Being active is mainly the goal.

Cups of Tea: Tea, or any warm drink really, can be such a balm on frazzled nerves. Or something good and cold in the summer. Really anything to just help me relax. Booze doesn’t do it. So I don’t have to worry about falling into that trap. Thankfully.

Essential Oils: Lavender and mint are my two favorite smells, ever. Not to mention they’ve been proven to have relaxation side affects on people. Anything that makes you relaxed and happy is a good thing folks.

Snuggles: ’nuff said.  But seriously, touch and connection and the feelings of being wanted can help a person so much.

So now that we’ve looked at a couple of things I can do. Let’s look at what I normally do when I’m depressed.

SLEEP, BITCH WHINE MOAN, FEEL LIKE LIFE ISN’T THE PLACE FOR ME. COMPLAIN because nothing is gonna get better. Because im a failure at everything. I don’t have anything to show for blah blah blah fucking blah. It get’s ridiculous. 

The cruel internal dialog that starts in ones mind can swiftly get out of control, and generally with me it does wind up getting so out of control that I’m rendered unable to perform simple tasks. There’s no point. I want to stand there with arms slack at my side, gazing off into the distance and pretend that I am less important than a tree. Less important than a simple blade of grass in a field.

When these bouts of depression strike, sometimes they’re triggered through my PTSD as almost a defense mechanism to the immediate fright and need to get away from everything and everyone. Just turn inward. (Which if it happens too harshly is where you get other personalities from. Personalities that have split in order to get away from whatever bad thing is happening.)

At that point there isn’t any “letting it go.” and if anyone tells me to just “let it go” I want to put their face through the three next walls. If it were that easy I would have already done it. but it’s a chemical ride that my brain is providing that I have absolutely no control over when I get off of the ride.

Things other people can do to help me: 

-If you notice I all of a sudden turn into a rage cat, please understand I’m likely not ok. I’m likely trying to be as fierce as possible in order to shove everyone out of my way so I can figure out how to get out of whatever situation I’m in at the time. Don’t just assume I’ve suddenly turned into a bitch for no reason. Every animal has a reason they growl. Humans are no different.
-Give me space, or if it can be provided, a quiet space to retreat to for a while. You’ll likely find me passed out in under 10 minutes if I get to said safe space. The quickest way I know how to reset everyone is via nap. Naps are good. Naps are like on off buttons and I can at least get a new personality to the helm to try to deal with whatever is going on or has likely passed by the time I’m awake again.
-Bring me tea with cream.
-Ask if I need to eat.
-Don’t tell me to get over it.
-Don’t tell me to try to muscle through. By the time other people start to notice when I’m in trouble, I’ve been in trouble for a while and it means I have NO more energy to keep going. I’m stubborn. I’ll go until I can’t and by that time, I literally can’t anymore.
-Give me single tasks at a time.
-Don’t give me an entire list of things you have planned for the next month, or even the next week. I’ll freak out. My brain will assume it all has to be done immediately.

Depression is a sneaky unwanted friend that looms around every corner. I know I’m going to run into it and there’s nothing I can do about it. Have courtesy and be gentle to those who are dealing with depression. By the time you notice it, we’ve likely been suffering for a long time already. Ask your friends what you can do to help perk them up, or support them through a depressive bout. They will be eternally grateful for your efforts.

A Change of Plans

I haven’t been a Bold Betty for long, but what I do know is that being a Bold Betty has already started to change my life and me significantly. I wanted to talk a little bit about using the borrowed strength of being a Bold Betty and how it got me through a weekend that a few years ago would have felt like an utter catastrophe that would have ended in tears, fear, and the loss of adventure. This weekend there were still tears, and there was still fear, but it was accompanied with accomplishment and pride.

I want to first start off by saying that I used to not have the ability to say no, and no ability to set my own bounds on things. I never traveled alone, or even considered the idea, and forget doing something if any of the plans changed. Nope, may as well cancel everything!

This weekend started off with the arrival of a male guest that I’ve been waiting to see for a little over a month now. Tall, well educated, a teacher from Jackson WY, into skiing and for all intensive purposes seemed like an upstanding gentleman. Some of our texts had been flirty, others had been very real and down to earth and me explaining some of the issues I deal with regarding both anxiety, depression and a host of other issues including Disassociative Identity Disorder (mean’s I have multiple me’s in the head, this used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.) PTSD, and Bipolar 2. Most days are a struggle, and some feel insurmountable. So when this man said he was coming over, after our conversations, I had the impression that he understood a little of what it was like to be around me. I was wrong.

The night before his arrival I had let him know my anxiety was really high, and he said no worries, no expectations, just two people hanging out. But that turned out to be not at all what he meant. After a dinner that felt somewhat forced we went back to my place where he changed plans for the end of our trip. Now I was to fly back from Seattle rather than drive back with him. This was a big change and I started to try to wrap my mental processes around it. Meanwhile instead of helping he passed out on my bed. Ok. Thanks for the emotional support when I was clearly out of sorts…not.

I go over to lay on my bed, and am soon engulfed in what I can only describe as a humping hug… Now girls, I don’t know about you, but generally there are some steps involved in Woo’ing a girl to the point that you might get to some bump n grind. But immediately humping my leg without anything so much as a kiss or hand holding or putting his arm around me at some point prior to the night? This wasn’t ok. So, I did the “polite” thing and wiggled away. When that didn’t stop him from coming over and doing it again I did a mini spazz of angry jazz hands and said, “Ok, no really enough.” I was met with a bit of a grumble and the notion that why shouldn’t this be ok? Other than the fact that I wasn’t in the mood. At this point I offered to make him up a bed in another room or the couch. Both of which were refused and he rolled over. I scooted a little further away and started to doze.

Minutes later the humping hug was back and now I was furious. “Look, I asked you to stop, it’s too hot and I’m not in the mood. I can make you another bed if you’d like.” Again, all I was met with was grumbles about how it’s not all that hot. As if my not being in the mood or not wanting of attentions wasn’t valid. It also proved that there was little to no regard for respect of personal space and that I should have been available for whatever he wanted.

The next morning I thankfully found him out on the couch after he finally left my bed allowing me to rest. I should have just asked him to leave but ‘felt bad’ and didn’t know where he’d stay. Girls, put yourself first. Own your space. The hassle isn’t worth it.

Feeling decently bad, as women often do, because clearly everything is our fault, I offered coffee, breakfast, and the use of a shower. He took up on the shower, I think somewhat begrudgingly. I showered thereafter while he said he needed to run a few errands. I expected him to disappear at that point.

When I got out of the shower and he got back, I made a last ditch effort in saying that since we were headed west, there were plenty of other REI’s to visit should we need anything. I was instead met with cash being handed to me for the plane ticket I was supposed to be taking in two days, “About that, I’m not going, gonna go hang out with a friend in Portland cause, well this clearly, anyway. You get it.” Taking the cash I raised an eyebrow, “two people can’t just go on a roadtrip?” The look I was met with, was clear that this was about sex, and that he didn’t get any. “yah you should go anyway though.” My jaw almost dropped to the floor.

It took all I had to be polite, and see him out the door without saying, “don’t let it hit you in the ass,” or anything else. I wouldn’t stoop to that level. Though maybe I should have. For all his talk in the end all he wanted me for was my body. And while I don’t mind hook ups if that’s what both parties are looking for I felt a bit betrayed. There had been so much talking and build up. Then I felt a bit angry, he had only ultimately wanted my body and didn’t care about moving around my plans (though he did thankfully pay me back for the now useless plane ticket, I’ll give him that.) and then just ditching me the morning of the trip.

After he was gone I called one of my best friends and we had brunch and discussed the hilarity, awkwardness, and rudeness of the humping hug, and it helped me get the courage to keep going. Then, getting in my car I looked at the back of my phone and saw my Bold Betties sticker. BOLD. I was being BOLD. I told myself that this weekend I was going to live the truth of those words and that group. Bold Betties didn’t just sit and stay at home.

Driving long distances can be daunting, especially when you have not but just your own voice and internal dialog, and a radio. Luckily I made it out to Raleigh OR in just about three hours and pushed onto Glass Buttes, where I gave myself an hour, three water bottles, and a small bag to go gather Obsidian in. Walking up to the dig sight I unearthed a half buried pick ax, who I promptly named Bruno. Digging and hefting rocks I found a nice collection, and almost exactly one hour later walked out sweaty, a little dehydrated, and proud of myself for carrying out a backpack full of stones. Then it was onto Bend!

Bend OR is at a gorgeous altitude somewhere between high desert and forest and is definitely somewhere I will go to again. I even made time to stop at their REI and thought loudly to the universe that I’d maybe like to get a job there someday before heading back out on the road to Bagby Hotsprings.

The last leg of that drive was another three hours and some change away though a windy forest service road full of old growth forest. I pulled into Bagby Hot springs right as the sun was setting behind the mountains and tucked into camp spot #4. Paying the fee’s at the parking lot I grabbed my headlamp, hoody, and bag with towel and bikini and headed out into the dark. On the way in I ran into another couple who also had headlamps, and a dog, I love dogs. I asked if I could walk in with them, overcoming the moment of fear that I had in asking. They said of course and we made our way into the springs. When we got there it was a solid mess. The small hot springs, which pumps 2 lbs of water pressure to fill VERY large tubs, that number around 8, were currently in the process of refilling and there was some 22 people waiting to use the pools, with what sounded like decently unpleasant individuals trying to enjoy the hot springs amongst the complaining of the 22.

The sound of everyone after a long day in the car drove my anxiety through the roof. I wanted to go back to the car, but didn’t want to travel there alone. I’d driven all this day and felt like everyone else voicing their opinion, I wanted to soak in the hotsprings too. I looked up to the sky and the stars and took a deep breath. I wasn’t here to let my anxiety rule me. I remembered my promise to myself to be a BOLD Betty. Walking quietly down and away from the group of people and over to where the “public” four pools were that all had residence I raised a hand and politely asked if anyone had space for a small, plus one.

A group that wound up being from the “Rainbow Family,” invited me over and allowed me to join their group. Everyone had nicknames instead of actual first names, so I gave them one of my own nicknames as well, which also allowed me to ‘switch’ to a personality that could be comfortable around people and live within that nickname. Sometimes DiD has it’s benefits…

About an hour and a half later we’d had a few more people join us from the Rainbow family that turned out to be a majority of the folks waiting, and I’d made friends with a few of them. Enough so that when it was time to leave I was able to ask for a couple of friends to walk me back and have that happen. Even though we go someplace alone doesn’t mean we have to stay alone. This adventure had been shaping up nicely since the awkward one had left! Everything I did seemed to reinforce that this was apparently supposed to be a “ME” trip. I wouldn’t have likely or otherwise met any of the new friends that I had.

The next big stop on the trip was Mt Rainier after a BBQ in Lacey, WA with some of my wonderful extended family. They listened to my stories of all that had happened thus far and we all caught up as family does.

Mt Rainier and the climb up to Camp Muir was incredible. It took us four hours to get up and nearly another 2 coming back down. The incline was nearly 45 degrees plus in spots and the air is definitely thinner. I started having issues really controlling my breathing right around 200 meters from the summit. Bold Betties, if you ever have a chance to do this hike, I 100% suggest doing it. The views are incredible, the elation you get from finally getting up to the camp is amazing and the sense of  strength and accomplishment is something that takes days to sink in, in some regards.

On the way up I almost gave up twice, frustrated that I was taking 4-6 inch steps to make progress, which really feels like nothing. It’s like being stuck on a stair stepper machine that you can’t get off of. It’s steep, the snow when we went up was slushy and mush and hard to dig traction into. I was certainly glad for my LaSportiva mountain ascent boots. I wouldn’t recommend anything less for footwear. The sun was hot and beat down making everything beautiful and basting me maybe a bit too much. Overall, 10 out of 10 would do again.

The final leg of my trip was another 8+ hour drive back to Boise from Lacey on a more southern route so I could avoid the crazy mountain passes. I had 0 energy after that hike to dedicate to anything.

This weekend taught me so much about being Bold, about taking action in my own personal space and starting to learn how to really put my foot down when it comes to what I want to do. Being a Bold Betty to me has become more than a group of women I occasionally meet up with. Seeing all the events build, all the gatherings and adventures happening, it makes me want to strive to do more in my own life as well. It’s helping me come out of a shell that I crawled into years ago where I at one point couldn’t have dreamed of making random friends along a road trip.

So to any Bold Betties out there reading this, if your plans change, go anyway. If you’re not sure, turn back and try again with friends. If you think you can’t, try anyway, you’ll never know what mountains you might summit!

Tracking Me – April 27, 2017

No apologies for not writing in this last super slump. Which is really what the last couple of weeks has been. A re-visitation that yes, all of these issues are very real and when they compound on top of one another there is nothing I can do but hold on for the dearest of lives and try to get through all of it. It’s not easy either let me tell you what. It’s exhausting and everyone wonders why people with anxiety and depression are tired all of the time. It’s fighting a chemical warfare that’s going on on the inside of your head. You can’t see it but missiles are being launched and the grounds are being carpeted repetitively. You can’t ever really catch your breath. You can’t really ever feel relaxed because you know that there is some kind of threat.

Your brain puts stock into all sorts of things it shouldn’t when your mind is in overdrive too. Nothing you can do but try to remember that everything you’re feeling in that moment is actually greatly decreased and not actually there. Or rather, the feelings are there but, maybe only half as strong as how we are perceiving them. And you can’t convince your mind even though you know its completely illogical.

Makes for understanding relationships really hard. What you feel for someone may be colored by whatever your brain is throwing out there at that moment rather than what you are actually feeling or logically understand for the situation. It’s also a blessing and a curse to be able to back out so logically from a situation and go, “Oh… yes I do understand things from that viewpoint…goodness…ouch.”

Like understanding that as much as you want to be in a relationship that where your brain is at and still learning how to adjust is just… not something I want to inflict upon anyone. I understand how draining (and I mean that in a literal way, not a mean way.) it can be to be around someone that is depressed all or a lot of the time. Especially if we get into a “THE WORLD IS ENDING OH GAWD” sort of mood. Or rather, it would take the right person. As much as I’ve wanted to have found them, both parties have to want to deal with one another’s… well issues. Cause we definitely all have them. While I’m always willing to help others with what they go through I also understand not being at a point where they want to reciprocate that. Nor do I hold it against them. Oh Logic… You suck. Can’t I just get a happily ever until we decide otherwise?

I’ve also been looking at the sides of me that are Poly, and why we’ve needed to be Poly for our lives up until this point. When you’re…. fractured, there’s no real saying who is going to like who, nor, if you don’t know you have alters, is there any “let’s decide on one person,” option. It just doesn’t exist and you don’t really have a choice. Polyamory for me, in a lot of ways has been because I have many alters that would like many people all at once. This isn’t really conducive to having a long lasting monogamous relationship. Which, granted I’ve always been in, but because of the way some of us have been in the past ((we’ve been doing a lot of heavy work with one another lately. It’s exhausting but absolutely necessary.)) we haven’t been able to understand necessarily why we’ve had feelings for other people, and Polyamory made complete sense. Well what it’s actually been, has been multiple personalities, all of whom can and want and enjoy monogamy but have been incapable due to the DiD of achieving that truly on a level with anyone…. until more recently.

Once we all knew about one another, we’ve been working towards working together and on some assimilation. I am doubtful nor do I necessarily want to fully assimilate into one human being mind as I’ve found some great assets in being able to call upon a single one of us to perform certain tasks etc. However, I digress.  When you can work on being fully present, and when we don’t have to concentrate on hiding from someone, and can switch at leisure, it means that the person is exposed to all of us. Over time, this has actually helped to, when in the presence of this particular individual, act as one singular mind. There is a complete sense of peace and feelings of being completely safe around this person. When the anxiety and fear are gone, when we no longer have to keep our wolf ears perked, when we no longer have to feel like we need to be ready for anything at any second of everyday then we can  just……. be. When that happens, I am whole. It’s not that I need THIS ONE PERSON, and I know there could likely be others, but this has been the first time I’ve actually experienced this feeling and to say that I have at all is somewhat of a miracle. So I am infinitely grateful, no matter what happens, for the experience in knowing that I CAN feel that way about someone. That I don’t HAVE to be poly to have a relationship, that I can have a monogamous want an desire to share my life with someone.


Morning musings… possibly more to come later.

Tracking Me – April 19, 2017

I’d say that finding time to write has become harder since the lack of a desk job, but I will… Yes, I realize how rediculous the previous statement is but thats about the stateof my brain right now. I’d deciding and then cancelling out thoughts almost at random as it goes along. Like Im just the body doing the writing because now I know…. there’s another me in here. The one really moving the fingers. And if I’m really careful about it I can sneak all the way out to the front and become Asher. Hey Everyone.

Sorry we had to do a bit of a switcheroo there so that way we could actually get this writing show on the road. God, how many years after high school and I still have a hard time writing the word writing. I always think it needs two t’s. Which my brain wanted to write as, tt, as that would make more of an immediate example. Strange isn’t it. Humans and the way we’ve created language to transmit the big ideas and yet we are reducing ourselves to 160 characters on Twitter. Why do we do that? Why would, when we have so many words to use, do we stick to the simple and small things to day.

I can imagine a wold where, people would ask one another large questions and have intense conversations as those now have conversations about sports. “When was the last time  you pondered the existence of the next galaxy over?” How much fun would that be!

I think that if everyone on this planet tried to have one conversation that pushed themselves intellectually the world would be a much better place. Or to expose themselves that is difficult or different. To expand the mind.

Other than that lets actually try to get into how we’re actually all feeling today. Overall = amazing. I had a wonderful night out with my best friend, slept well, got Mister all taken care of, and then came home and put together my computer to get it ready to stream for the Adobe Channel which went amazingly. which… we are all so glad for. We essentially just let Riven, Saber and Asher all take over and do all of the talking which was definitely for the better.

Anyway… rambling again. I’m really scattered today and I knew I was having a hard time getting some of my points across today but that’s ok. I just couldn’t think. I’ve had a hard time since getting my blood drawn. Nope, it’s definitely gone. the muse to write has officially left the building. Now I want to go exploring.


Tracking Me – April 4, 2017


I have had some of the worst couple of days here recently regarding my own mental health. I mean I know that’s what this is all about but normally I’m just the one writing about it. I don’t normally actually…. suffer from a lot of this. I’m Asher, writer, male, about 31 years old or something close to that. I’m 5’11 blah blah blah, adore lox and cream cheese, salmon in general really. Uh… Anyway, yah hi everyone. So where was I? Oh yah. So I’m normally sitting here writing what Sylvia and the rest are feeling. The last few days here? Yah it’s been all me. Apparently I really can’t handle people being insincere in their word. Leading you one way with promise of job and funds, and a place for you and your dog only to be jerked around for a month and then come to have them tell you nothing of the sort of what was conveyed prior. I’m done with lairs in my life. It’s not even necessarily them lying maliciously *well in a way…. I guess all lying is done in order to gain something for self.* though they are of course trying to score an amazing employee. Which I would be for them, if they gave me any sense of security which from the beginning they haven’t. Nothing has been in writing, it’s all been through Texts… None of the texts end up matching what they said previously. It’s just a bad business model. Which is something I don’t want to *(again)* be sucked into. Been there, done that, paid the bad taxes on it. Maybe next year I can try again, or maybe by next year I’ll be in Ireland with an awesome job. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be surfing somewhere either in Boise or another country. I have no idea and right now I’m not particularly worried about it. I just know that I’ve been suffering the past few days from a drove of anxiety… to the point that I puked yesterday morning and had a complete come apart. That hasn’t happened in a decade.. The last time I puked I had wrapped myself around a telephone poll out back of a pita pit in Ellensburg after an Ex and his buddy got me so drunk I couldn’t handle life. Well… that’s what 6 vodka crans that each have about two three shots worth will do to a 140lb girl. I was a little heavier then… My depression was HEAVY at that time too.

So, I had to take a good hard look at it and after practicing in a dream this AM, let me best friend know I wouldn’t be going to AK this summer. I just.. can’t handle the back and forth of information and the possibility of not having housing until the last minute and and and and… It’s just too much for me. Does it make me less adventurous? Maybe. Does it mean that I’m not going to spend the winter in some tropical place? Maybe. I say maybe because if I can really pull all my expenses in tight I can pull off a good trip this winter. I don’t mind if it’s not months long. I will make things work, I always do. I’ll be able to focus more directly on my art this summer with the extra time which will be nice. I can get the rest of the coloring books distributed and be done with that part of things. I think the coloring book phase is ending and my place in it needs to do so as well. I’d love to keep pushing it and maybe I will depending on how things go.

Fuck… This is what I’m really bad at is not rambling. Though I guess I finally got to the point I was trying to make regarding anxiety and depression. That was all me and Riven yesterday shouldering way too much and just finally cracking. It’s really no wonder between the season (apparently Spring is the worst… you’d think it’d be winter. I’ve come to decide that it’s actually pollens fault for blocking ports in the brain. It just makes logical sense. I wonder if tests have been done for that?) Anyway. Depression, when it stacks up becomes something that is like a living force that starts in your gut and pulls you more and more inward until you are sure that you may as well have inverted in an effort to become more inwardly turned. Anxiety is like a dog that will gnaw at their own skin until there’s a festering hole because all of it itches, then hurts, and all they know is the swipe of their tongue brings some brief reprisal of the afflicting sensation. PTSD, causing you to ever look over your shoulder, don’t have your back to the door, don’t, stop, careful, ever wary… Bi Polar throwing me from one extreme to another has been plaguing me all morning. Elated, depressed, confident, utterly destroyed. It’s a yo yo that never stops. The meds? They help… when you don’t puke them up and then somehow seem to push the rest through your body so when you taken them the next morning they… Hit you like a god damned wall. If you’ve ever run into a mental wall of medication you’ll have complete understanding of what this feels like…

I should shut up.. I just keep babbling at this point.

TLDR: Yesterday sucked the arse end of a platypus. yah… figure that one out. ew.
Today, is marginally better as I’m actually up and functioning. In a girl body. At a job that I only have roughly 14 hours remaining in. OH LIFE, you and your silly monkey wrenches in things…. >.<

Tracking Me – March 22, 2017

I can’t quite tell if I’m excited, relieved, or about to throw up. I think it’s about an equal third of each with the nearly puking being right up there…. sort of like at the top of my throat and my tongue might be the only thing keeping from making a mess of my keyboard. Graphic a bit maybe but that’s how I feel.

I just gave my two weeks notice at Wells Fargo and all of my life is starting to come into quick and sharp review. I’ve held this job for about a year and a half and in that time have been promoted twice. Once from a phone banker, to Premier Banker, and then again to Loan Documentation Specialist. The goal was to settle into the LDS *lol…. no wonder this has been such a bad fit.* for the next two to five years. That was greatly shortened when I realized I’m simply not learning anything and there’s literally no point in me being here and beating my head against a wall.

I’m lucky in that I think I literally beat my boss to the punch by a couple of days but I will take it. Always better to leave gracefully rather than get left as a grease stain because I got fired from a previous job.

Either way so I have them for later:

–18883270027 – Employee Assistance Center

–18774793557 – Wells Fargo HR (opt 2 insurance) (opt 4 EAC)

Ok, now to go call them. Keep updated folks! But it’s happening. Two more weeks and then no more WF!

Saber N Crew Over N Out!